


Silent Tears

by LindyA1985



Series: Silent Tears [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Absent mother, Depression, Established Relationship, Fertility Issues, Grief, H/D Hurt!Fest 2020, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Medical Procedures, Mentions of unhealthy and unwanted sex, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Past Drug Addiction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, brief homophobic language, mentions of drug use, supportive family, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 33,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26140507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LindyA1985/pseuds/LindyA1985
Summary: Draco and Harry are married, co-parents for Teddy together with Andromeda and expecting a child of their own. Until Draco loses the baby and his world starts to fall apart. Slowly he falls into a depression that threatens to destroy his relationships with everyone he loves.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Series: Silent Tears [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2060889
Comments: 24
Kudos: 160
Collections: H/D Hurt!Fest 2020





	1. A Life Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This story is more personal than any other story I’ve ever written. When I saw the prompt Coolcatdeaky requested I couldn’t let it go. I’ve been thinking to write about my fertility problems to help come to terms with it, and I’m glad I did. This story helped me get one step closer to being okay again, so thank you Coolcatdeaky for your prompt!
> 
> As this is the first time I’ve written for a fest and had to work with a set deadline, which put some extra pressure on the writing. I didn’t have time to flesh out the story as much as I wanted, but I’m still happy with the finished result, and I hope you all like it. 
> 
> I also want to thank my lovely beta reader for the time she put into reading this story and her kind and loving words.

Draco sits on the lid of the toilet. The timer he cast next to him counts down slowly. Draco tries not to look at it, or the vial on the counter. He wrings his hands together and stares at the floor. His wedding ring glistens in the light that filters in through the window. Draco lets out a breath when it catches his attention. The ring is a constant reminder that Harry loves him, no matter what. There is no reason to be this nervous. Draco hadn’t dared to tell Harry he’s taking a test today. Harry didn’t get why Draco couldn’t come along to pick up Teddy, but Draco just needs to know. He can’t wait any longer. He’s been so tired the last two weeks, and last night, Draco struggled to keep his diner down. 

The timer rings and Draco takes a deep breath. He tells himself again that it doesn’t matter what the result is. They are still young, and they have all the time in the world to start a family of their own. Draco gets up and walks back to the counter. He stares at the vial. The liquid inside is a clear red. Draco grabs the instructions and skims towards the section that explains how to read the results. His eyes water and he looks back at the vial. 

“I’m pregnant,” he whispers. His eyes fixed on the vial. His hand that holds the instructions shakes a little. In the distance, he hears the front door open and close again. He hears the excited cheer of Teddy and the stumbled steps of the little boy up the stairs. 

“Careful, Teddy, we don’t want you to fall,” Harry says. His steps are secure and robust on the stairs. Draco takes another breath and wipes the tears from his eyes. He can’t have them find him like this in the bathroom, Teddy would just get upset, and that is the last thing Draco wants. He steps into the bedroom just when Teddy opens the door. 

“Uncle Draco,” Teddy screams before he runs into Draco’s arms. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too, Teddy. Did you have a good time with your grandma Andromeda?” 

Teddy nods and then pulls his little backpack off his back. “I’ve packed my own bag,” he announces proudly. 

“Well done, you. Did you bring everything? Your pyjamas? And your toothbrush?” Draco asks him. 

Teddy looks at his bag and shakes his head. “No toothbrush,” he states. “My teeth don’t need brushing.” 

Harry laughs from the bed. Draco looks at him, and Harry holds up a second bag, the one packed no doubt by Andromeda. 

“We’ll see about that once it’s time for bed,” Draco tells Teddy. He picks the boy up and walks to the bed and sits down next to Harry. Harry rests his head on Draco’s shoulder. 

“Are you ready to tell me why you couldn’t come with me to pick up Teddy?” Harry asks. 

Draco lets Teddy slip from his lap. The boy runs to his room, shouting he needs to say hello to Dragon. 

“You don’t have to,” Harry continues. “I just worry about you. I know you haven’t been feeling well lately.”

“I know,” Draco answers. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up for if I was wrong.” Draco knows how important a family is to Harry, how he wishes to have multiple children one day to love and cherish. He would have been so disappointed if it had just been a silly flu that made Draco so sick and tired. 

“Wrong about what?” Harry asks. He lifts his head and looks at Draco. 

Draco squeezes Harry’s hand and smiles at him. “Wrong about being pregnant,” he says with a massive grin on his face.

Draco watches as the confusions on Harry’s face slowly fades and how his eyes light up and sparkle behind his glasses. “You’re pregnant?” Harry asks in a small voice. Draco nods in confirmation. “We’re going to have a baby?” Harry continues and Draco nods again. It’s a treat to see the pure joy on Harry’s face and to see him inch forwards to catch Draco’s lips in a kiss. 

“Gross,” Teddy comments from the doorway making Harry and Draco laugh into their kiss just before they separate. Harry slides his free hand over Draco’s stomach and leaves it there while he rests his head on Draco’s shoulder again. Draco looks at Teddy who looks at them with small eyes. Draco wonders what the little kid thinks of them from time to time.

Teddy has his stuffed dragon in his left hand and his right thumb stuck in his mouth. Andromeda wants him to stop with the thumb thing, but it looks so cute on the boy that Draco can’t get it over his heart to tell him to stop. Draco holds out his hand. Teddy moves to them slowly his eyes fixed on Harry’s hand on Draco’s stomach. Draco helps him climb on his lap. Teddy burrows himself against Draco’s chest. Draco holds him in place and kisses him on the top of his head. He puts his other arm around Harry and closes his eyes, enjoying the moment. He’s got his two favourite boys in his arms and in less than nine months he’d need another arm for the new addition to his strange little family. 

“I love you both,” Draco utters before he places another kiss on top of Teddy’s head and then one on Harry’s. “But now it’s time to make lunch. I’m hungry.” 

Harry laughs beside him and lifts his head. The smile on his face is beautiful. Draco still can’t believe it’s all real. That for the last five months he’s been allowed to introduce himself as Draco Potter, the famous Harry Potter’s husband. And now they are having a baby, expending their little family one small piece at a time. 

“I love you too,” Harry says and then gets up. “Egg sandwiches or grilled cheese?” 

“Grilled cheese,” Teddy screams. “I want grilled cheese.”

“So grilled cheese it is,” Harry answers. He walks out of the room. 

“I wanted egg sandwiches,” Draco tells Teddy. Teddy laughs and tells Draco he can have them when Teddy is at his grandma’s. Draco shakes his head and then lifts Teddy into the air. Teddy giggles and holds out Dragon to make him fly with him. Draco pulls Teddy back against his chest before he walks them out of the room and down the stairs.

“Wait!” Teddy shouts when they are about halfway. “I want to say hi to mom and dad,” he continues. 

Draco stops in front of the picture of Lupin and Tonks. Teddy puts his small hand next to them and smiles at them. “Hi, mom and dad. I’m going to be a big brother,” he tells the picture. “Can’t stay, uncle Harry is making grilled cheese sandwishes.” 

“Sandwiches,” Draco corrects Teddy. Teddy tries to say the word again. It comes out a little bit more like it’s supposed to and Draco lets it go. They reach the kitchen just in time to see Harry place the cheesed up slices of bread in the pan with sizzling butter on the stove. 

“Somebody just told his parents that he’s going to be a big brother,” Draco says while he takes three plates from the cupboard and gives them to Harry. 

“How does he do that? He figured out Fleur was pregnant before they told anyone too.” Harry shakes his head and looks at Teddy, who has climbed on his chair at the head of the table and has his thumb in his mouth again. 

Draco gets some juice for them all and then sits down on the left side of Teddy. “Why do you think you’re going to be a big brother?” Draco asks him. 

“Uncle Harry kissed you and then placed his hand on your belly,” Teddy says without any doubt, not taking his eyes of Dragon who is flying above the table. Teddy’s hair has turned the same dark green as the stuffed animal. Andromeda says that Tonks was the same around this age, constantly changing her hair colour without even realising it. It’s a good thing; it means that Teddy is more like his mother than his father. It will make full moons so much easier down the line. Harry had been worried about it once he read about young werewolf children having to go through that change every couple of weeks and how they would get locked up alone to make sure they wouldn’t hurt anyone. Harry said he would never leave Teddy to go through something like that alone. So when Teddy changed his hair colour to platinum about a year ago, when Draco was comforting him after he fell from his little broom, Draco had cried in relief. He wouldn’t have to fear for his lover's life every couple of weeks because he would go and lock himself in with a baby werewolf. 

“I’m bringing the food to the table,” Harry announces. Dragon makes one final lap over the table and then lands neatly on the chair next to Draco just when Harry puts the plates filled with cheesy sandwiches in front of them all. He sits down across from Draco and shakes his head. “Are all magic children this good at magic when they are this young?” he asks. 

Draco lifts his shoulders. “Don’t know. Mother used to tell me how I would make toys fly back to me when my father had confiscated them. But I don’t think I was as in control of my magic as Teddy is.”

Harry nods his head and looks at Teddy. “He will be an amazing big brother,” he says before he takes a bite of his grilled sandwich. Draco smiles at him and agrees before he starts on his sandwich.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


The words make no sense. Draco closes his eyes and tries to push away the tears. Harry’s hand squeezes his. Draco can’t look at him. He can’t look anywhere. 

“I’m sorry,” the healer says again. Draco tries to remember her name, but his mind is blank. Slowly the healer slides the probe she used for the echo out of him. Draco wants her to put it back, to have another look, to tell him that she was wrong, that she made a mistake. 

“I don’t understand,” Harry says next to Draco. “Everything was fine. He’s still sick all the time.” Draco can hear the tears in his words, knows Harry’s heart is breaking. Harry’s free hand strokes some of Draco’s hairs out of his face, and then his thumb slides over Draco’s cheek. 

“I know this is not the news you wanted to hear, and I will answer all your questions. But let's let Draco put his clothes back on first, make it a little more comfortable for him.” Draco doesn’t know how this can get more comfortable. His heart has just shattered into a million pieces, and there is nothing that will make this comfortable, not even some stupid clothes. 

“Yeah, sure. Draco, honey, do you want to go and put your trousers back on?” Harry asks. Draco doesn’t want to, but he nods anyway. A tear slides over his cheek, and he bites his lip. Slowly he sits up. He doesn’t want to let go of Harry’s hand to move to the dressing room. Only a couple of hours ago they relaxed on their sofa, joking about how in a couple of months Harry would have a little baby on his chest and won’t be able to get up all the time to get coffee for Draco. The image is stuck in Draco’s head. Harry holding their baby. A baby that will never be. 

Harry lifts Draco’s face and gives him a short soft kiss. “It’s okay. I’ll be right here waiting for you. We’re going to be okay,” Harry says. 

“I don’t want to be alone,” Draco stutters.

“I’ll come with you.” Harry puts his arm around Draco’s waist and helps him stand up. Together they walk to the dressing room. Harry hands Draco his pants. On autopilot, Draco puts one leg into it and then the other. His trousers are next. Draco holds them in his hands and stares at it. He’d been afraid that he wouldn’t be able to find any nice trousers when his stomach became too large. 

“Draco,” Harry whispers. Draco looks up in his eyes, sees the tears on Harry’s face. He shakes his head and looks back down at his trousers. Harry had said Draco’s concerns about fashionable trousers was idiotic, that Draco looks good no matter what because he’d be pregnant with their baby. Draco shivers and sits down on the little bench. It all doesn’t matter anymore. 

“I can’t,” Draco starts. He chokes on his words and lets the tears fall, hiding his face in his hands. His body shivers while he weeps. He feels sick, and he can’t seem to swallow the lump in his throat. Harry’s arms are around him in seconds, holding him close against Harry’s chest. They don’t speak. The tears say all that needs to be said right now. For six weeks they believed they would become parents, and now, with a straightforward scan that dream has gone up in smoke. 

After some time, Harry helps Draco pull on his trousers, and they walk back out into the exam room. Draco sits back down on the exam table. Harry takes the space beside him. The healer sits in front of them and holds out some tissues. 

“What happens now?” Harry asks. His hand holds Draco’s and Draco concentrates on how their fingers fit perfectly together. It’s easier than thinking of the dead baby inside him. 

“Now we wait,” the healer starts. “When something like this happens, we like to wait another week and have another scan. Just to make sure that the foetus isn’t growing and that we didn’t make a mistake in calculating the date when you conceived.”

“Our little one can still be alive?” Draco asks. He looks up at the healer, a little spark of hope forming in his heart. 

“I don’t want you to get your hopes up,” the healer continues. “It is only in rare cases that the second scan holds better results. It’s a precaution. But after seeing your foetus, it’s clear that it should have had a heartbeat by now.”

Draco looks back down, and Harry squeezes his hand. 

“Okay, so we need to wait a week to have another scan, which will tell us the same as now. And then what?” Harry asks. His voice strained, and Draco knows he’s angry. With the healer, for making them wait another week to go through this all again, or with Draco, for not taking care of their precious baby, Draco doesn’t know.

“Then we have multiple options. We could wait for Draco’s body to expel of the dead foetus by itself. We only don’t know how long this will take. He could have a natural miscarriage in a few days, but it can also take weeks before it starts.”

Draco shakes his head. If this is the end, he wants it to be over. He can’t walk around with his dead baby inside him for weeks. He just can’t. 

“Another way is to have it surgically removed. We don’t recommend this, as it increases the risk of permanently damaging the uterus, making another successful pregnancy less likely, which leaves us with the third option. We can prescribe a potion that will induce the miscarriage. Draco would still have a natural miscarriage, but we would know when it will happen.”

“That sounds doable. Do we have to decide now what we want?” Harry asks. Draco is glad he’s taking the lead and gets all the information they need. Draco struggles to follow the words of the healer. He should have remembered her name. This woman just told them their baby is dead. He should know her name. 

“No, you can think it over, and when you come back next week for the second scan we can go over it all again, and you can decide what you want then.”

“Okay, yes, we can do that. Right, Draco?” Harry asks. 

Draco looks up into Harry’s eyes. He nods while the tears start streaming again. He can’t seem to stop crying. Harry pulls him against his side and pusses Draco’s head onto his shoulder with his free hand. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” Harry whispers. Draco wants to scream at him that it isn’t, that everything is wrong. Hermione and Ron are coming over for dinner tonight, and instead of telling them that Draco is pregnant, they have to say to them that Draco wasn’t good enough to have a baby. That he wasn’t able to keep Harry’s baby safe. 

“I want you to remember that this happens, more often than you might think. You’re both not at fault. Sometimes the foetus just isn’t viable. I’ve got some leaflets you can take home that tells more about it, and you can call us if you have any questions,” the healer explains. 

It’s the last thing she says before she leads them to the little office with her assistant. Harry makes an appointment for the second scan and takes the leaflets. His arm folds itself around Draco’s waist as he guides him out of the hall, down to the elevators and back to the apparition point. In seconds they stand in their kitchen. Draco sits down on a chair at the table and folds his arms on the table. His head falls on them, and he cries. He wants to fall asleep and wake up still being pregnant. 

“I’m going to cancel the dinner for tonight,” Harry says. He turns towards the hearth. Moments later, Draco hears Ron’s voice. 

“Fuck Harry, what’s going on, you look like shit.”

“Ron, we’ll have to cancel dinner. I’ll explain why later. I don’t want to tell you over the floo. Just, you and Hermione can come over tomorrow, and I’ll explain.”

“Draco didn’t leave you, did he?” Ron asks. Draco bites his lips. Of course that is the first thing on Ron’s mind when Harry looks like shit. Draco most have done something wrong, something to hurt his best friend. And he’s not wrong. Draco gave Harry the one thing he wants more than anything, only to destroy it a couple of weeks later. 

“No, Ron, fuck, it’s worse, okay. Just, please, I need to… Draco, he’s a mess. It’s all a mess right now. I promise I’ll explain tomorrow.”

“Yeah, okay. Hermione and I will bring breakfast. Do you have anything in the house to have for dinner? I could ask mom to send you something if you don’t.”

“We have food. I need to go now. See you tomorrow.” Harry finishes the call, and the kitchen goes silent. Draco lifts his head to look at the fireplace. Harry sits in front of it; his cheeks are wet from the tears. His hands pull at his hair, making it a bigger mess than usual. 

“I’m sorry,” Draco says. 

Harry looks up at him and shakes his head. “Don’t. Please don’t. This is not your fault.”

“You were angry at the hospital,” Draco says.

“Yes, fuck, of course, I’m angry. I was told our baby will never get born, and then they tell us we have to sit around for another week just so that they can cover their asses. So yes, I’m angry,” Harry screams. 

“You should be angry at me,” Draco says.

Harry closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Not your fault, Draco. You’ve done everything by the book from the moment we knew. This is not on you.”

Draco gets up and sits back down next to Harry. “I don’t know what to do. I feel so empty right now,” he says. 

Harry leans his head on Draco’s shoulder. “Me too,” he says. 

Minutes pass, the sun starts to set. Both Harry and Draco don’t move. They don’t make dinner, they have some of the cake that was supposed to be the dessert for their dinner with Ron and Hermione, and then they crawl into bed together. They fall asleep with tears on their faces, holding each other close in the hope that the pain will be a little easier to handle tomorrow.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Andromeda holds a cup of tea in front of Draco. Draco stares at it and shakes his head. He doesn’t think he can drink anything right now. 

“Take it, it’s your favourite and Teddy helped make it,” Andromeda says. 

Draco looks up at her. Andromeda smiles at him. It doesn’t reach her eyes, but Draco appreciates the gesture. 

“He will be disappointed if you leave it. Just sip it when he comes in, Harry can throw it out once we leave.” Draco knows Andromeda is right, it will just upset Teddy, and that is the last thing Draco wants to do right now. 

“Thank you,” Draco tells Andromeda as he takes his hands from under the blanket and takes the cup. It’s steaming, and Draco sniffs up the steam. It smells good, and maybe it won’t be a hardship to drink it once it cools down a little.

Andromeda sits down on the chair across the room with her cup. She blows over it and then takes a sip. “Teddy is getting good at making tea. He wants to do it all by himself, but I think he’s still a little too young to handle a kettle filled with boiling water.” 

Draco nods and turns his focus back to his tea. The cup warms his hands. It reminds him of the cups of tea his mother used to make when he was little. She would always say that a good cup of tea makes everything better. He stopped believing that during the war, when nothing could make things better, not even a cup of tea. When the only thing Draco could do was get high so he would forget. The tea also does nothing for the pain he feels right now. It doesn’t magically heal the hole that has formed in his heart. 

“Mother isn’t answering my calls. I’ve tried to Flo her multiple times.” Draco says out of nowhere. 

“I think she’s off on one of her cruises again. I’ll pop by the Manor tomorrow when Teddy is at the nursery and see if she’s there,” Andromeda says. 

“Thank you,” Draco tells her. He doesn’t think it will do anything. His mother won’t come rushing to his side to help him. They’ve hardly spoken in the last couple of months. Draco doesn’t know what to say to her anymore since she didn’t even bother to show up to his wedding. 

“You are allowed to miss her. She’s still your mother, Draco.”

A tear slips from Draco’s eyes, and he turns away from Andromeda. “She will just say I deserve this. She made it pretty clear what she thinks about my life choices.” Draco swallows and wipes his tears away. “I don’t know why I even care that she knows.”

“She’s been the person to comfort you for a long time, Draco. It’s okay to long for that now that you’re hurting. I missed my mother, even after all the hurtful things she’d said about Ted and me. I don’t know if I ever told you, but Ted and I tried to have more children after Nymphadora. It took a long time for me to get pregnant again. It didn’t work out for us, and after that, we never managed to conceive again.”

“I’m sorry,” Draco says. He looks back at Andromeda. She looks so composed, sitting upright, her legs close together and slightly bending to the side. Draco remembers his mother sitting just like that. The drilled in manners are the only evidence that Andromeda was ever part of the royal house of Black. Draco used to be like that, well mannered and always aware of his posture. Harry had taught him to relax, to ease up when at home or around friends. And Draco doesn’t think he can keep up the front any longer in front of strangers. Not now that his heart is bleeding.

The door opens, and Teddy walks in with two large cups in his hands. Harry holds the door open and smiles at Draco. It’s the first real smile he’d seen on Harry’s face since the scan. Apparently, Teddy hasn’t lost his touch to cheer Harry up when he’s down. Something Draco hasn’t been able to in the last couple of days. 

“Do you like your tea, uncle Draco?” Teddy asks. 

Draco brings the cup to his mouth and takes a small sip. “It’s hot,” he says.

“You need to blow on it,” Teddy informs him. “Just like this.” Teddy puts Harry’s mug down and takes his own in both his hands. He lifts it to his mouth and blows softly. “Don’t blow too hard, or you’ll spill it, and then grandma will get angry.” 

Andromeda shakes her head, and Harry laughs. “That’s good advice from your grandma. We wouldn’t want to spill the tea you made us,” he says. 

Teddy nods his head and then puts his tea on the table. “I’ll be right back,” he says, and then he turns and leaves the room. Harry puts down a plate with cookies and then sits in the chair next to Andromeda. 

“Thank you for coming today. I know we were supposed to look after Teddy this weekend,” Harry starts. 

Andromeda holds up her hand and stops him. “It’s okay, Harry. You two need to take care of each other right now, and once you’re both up to it, you can start taking care of Teddy again. I’ve managed for three years before you two started to help out more than the occasional day. I think I’ll survive an extra weekend with Teddy.” 

Teddy runs back into the room with his Teddy-bear in his hands. He climbs on the sofa, pulls off his shoes and pushes his feet underneath Draco’s blanket. His little toes tickle Draco’s feet, and he smiles. 

“I want you to have this,” he says while he holds out his Teddy-bear. 

Draco fights his tears and shakes his head. “I can’t take your Teddy-bear,’ he stutters. 

“He helps when you’re sad,” Teddy explains. “And I’m a little sad, but not as sad as you. So you should have him.” 

Draco takes Teddy-bear and holds it close. “Thank you,” he whispers. 

Teddy nods his head and then reaches for his tea. He can’t reach the table, but his cup starts to lift from the table. 

“Edward Remus Lupin, what have I told you about using magic to lift drinks,” Andromeda says. 

At once, the cup is back on the table, and Teddy whispers that it’s not allowed. He turns towards Harry and asks him to hand him his tea. Harry stands up and gives Teddy his hot cup of tea. Once it’s safe in Teddy’s hands, Harry places a kiss on top of his head. Teddy blushes and a smile forms on his face.

They sit and drink their tea in silence for a while. And then Andromeda starts up a conversation with Harry. Draco doesn’t listen to them. His eyes keep drifting to the teddy-bear in his hand. He remembers the weekend Andromeda forgot to pack it, and Teddy had a nightmare. The only way to get the boy back to sleep was to let him sleep in Draco’s arms. And now Teddy has given his most significant comfort to Draco, to make sure Draco will feel better. Tonks and Remus should have been so proud of him if they could see him now. If only things had turned out differently, if only Draco had been braver, maybe the world would have been a happier place today. 

“I’m not going to be a big brother now,” Teddy says out of nowhere. Draco looks up at him and shakes his head.

“I’m sorry,” Draco whispers. 

“I would have been a good big brother,” Teddy states. He looks determent with his head held high, and his arms crossed in front of his chest. 

“Yes, you would have been,” Draco agrees. 

“You would have been the best big brother in the world,” Harry says. His voice cracks a little, and when Draco looks at him, he sees Harry wipe a tear from his cheek. 

“And one day you will be,” Andromeda says. “Now who wants one of those delicious cookies Harry has baked for us?”

“They are from the shop, grandma.” 

“Well, they still look delicious, don’t they?” Andromeda reaches for the plate and holds it in front of Teddy. 

“Can I have two, uncle Harry?” Teddy asks. 

Harry’s eyes are still on Draco. They have been staring at each other, sharing a pain that won’t leave them alone.

“Yes, you can,” Harry says to answer Teddy. Draco can see the tears form in Harry’s eyes. The little tremble in his hand when he takes a cookie from the plate when Andromeda offers them to him. And the only thing that Draco can think is how he did this to him. Without saying a word, Draco gets up and walks out of the room. He hears Harry call after him while he hurries up the stairs and into their bedroom. As soon as he closes the door, he drops to the floor and lets the pain boil to the surface. 

Draco has no idea how much time has passed when two strong arms pull him against Harry’s chest. Draco grabs onto Harry’s t-shirt and tries to pull him even closer. “I’m here, and I love you. This is not your fault, and I won’t leave you,” Harry tells Draco. Draco nods against Harry’s chest. It’s all he can do. He’s afraid to speak, scared he will say what has been in his mind since that awful afternoon in the hospital. It doesn’t matter how many times Harry tells him this is not his fault. He will never believe it.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Draco looks at his watch. Only to discover that just one minute has passed since the last time he checked. Draco closes his eyes and tries to block out the sounds around him. The whispers of two men, the rustle of a paper and most of all, the sounds of the little toddler and the baby crying at the other side of the waiting room. Harry’s arm around Draco’s shoulders helps. It keeps him grounded, stops Draco from running away, back home, where nobody will tell him what a failure he is. 

“Why do healers always run late?” Draco asks when he opens his eyes again.

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” Harry answers. “But it can’t be long now. Most of these people came in after us.”

They fall silent again. Draco doesn’t know what else to say. He just wants today to be over. That the invasion of his body which is coming has already passed and that there is a plan in place to move forward. It will all be better than the last week where time was standing still. Draco knows that Harry had taken care of most things around the house. He’d called the family, told their friends, called Draco’s work to say to them he won’t be in anytime soon. Draco hadn’t had the strength to do any off it. He’d stared at the TV, watched the movement on the screen without seeing it. At some point Draco had tried to read a book, only to go over the first sentence over and over again. His mind just couldn’t process any of it. 

A new couple walks into the waiting room. The man looks at Draco and Harry and shakes his head. “It’s a shame,” he mutters at his wife, who pulls him to some chairs one row away. 

“Yes, it is. But what can you do about it? Just be glad he never took that job at the Aurors, or you would have had to see him every day,” his wife answers.

“No, I think you’re wrong. I think that if he had taken that job, he would have learnt that the scum he married belongs in jail. Nobody at our office would have made him forget that all Malfoys are war criminals.”

Harry’s hand squeezes into a fist, and he jerks his knee in a fast rhythm. Draco places his hand on the fist and looks Harry in the eyes. They’ve learnt that silence is the best course of actions when it comes to this, but it is hard today. Don’t these people see the pain they are in already? Do they think it’s okay to make it even worse? Like Draco doesn’t know that he never deserved happiness. He remembers all the horrible things he did during the war. How his actions hurt and sometimes even killed others. 

“Maybe you should keep your opinions to yourself,” someone else says. Draco takes his eyes from Harry to find out who it is. It’s one of the two men that came in a couple of minutes after Draco and Harry had arrived. The one that is pretty far along, seeing the size of his belly. 

“Oh, look the gays are sticking up for each other,” the Auror says. 

“Leave him, honey,” the pregnant man’s partner says. “It’s clear that man is short-sighted and an idiot. Nothing we can do about it.”

“No, I won’t leave it,” the pregnant man says. “We’ve been there. They don’t need more shit on their plate. Not with what they are going through right now.” 

“Oh, having a baby is a hardship for our Saviour and his whore?” the Auror laughs. 

The pregnant man stands up and waves his hand towards Draco and Harry. “If you think those are faces of people that are happy and expecting, I wonder what you do at the Auror office because if you’re responsible for solving crimes, every criminal will get away with it.”

The Auror’s wife looks at Draco, and then she tells her husband to stop talking and let it be. 

“Oh, are they here for bad news. That is great. Just what that criminal deserves,” the Auror says. 

It’s the last straw. Harry stands up and walks towards the man, his wand already in his hand. 

“Harry, please don’t. He’s not worth it,” Draco says. He doesn’t say that he agrees with the man. Draco is getting precisely what he deserves. He had always known his happiness couldn’t last. 

The Auror’s eyes flash around the room, and his lip trembles a little. Harry points his wand at the man and Draco closes his eyes. He doesn’t need to see what Harry will do to defend Draco’s honour. 

“Mister and Mister Potter,” a familiar voice says from the other side of the room. It is healer Burke, and Draco lets out a long breath. The Auror is saved by the bell. 

Draco stands up, and Harry rushes over to him. Together they walk after healer Burke to the now-familiar room. Draco sits down on the bed, and Harry sits down on a stool, just like healer Burke. 

“I don’t want to know what just almost happened out there,” Burke says. “What I do want to know is how you’re holding up, Draco?” 

“I’m not,” Draco answers. His eyes are getting moist, and he blinks. He promised himself he won’t cry today and he’s not planning to start now. 

“It’s been a hard week,” Harry pitches in. “We both would like to get this over with as soon as possible, so we can grieve and try to move on.”

Draco reaches his hand out towards Harry, who takes it and squeezes softly. 

“Okay, I understand. Let’s get this over with. Draco, could you take off your trousers and pants?” Burke asks. 

Without another word, Draco moves to the dressing room and removes his trousers and pants. He pulls his t-shirt down over his hips when he walks back out in the room. Healer Burke has already moved the equipment closer to the bed and has put on some gloves.

Draco is sure that there should be an easier way for all this. But the other healer from last week assured them that using magic is just too dangerous at this stage of the pregnancy, that the Muggle way is safer and just as efficient. Draco thinks it’s barbaric. The way they shove a plastic rod into his ass so they can make an echo as they call it. But he knows it has to be done, so he lays down on the bed. Harry stands up and takes his hand in his. They look at each other when the healer inserts the rod. Draco can’t stop the tears when he feels the intrusion into his body. He still doesn’t get why he has to go through this again. His baby is already dead, what is the point in torturing him with another scan and the small hope that it was all a mistake and his baby is still alive and healthy. 

But just like last week the scan stays silent. There is no heartbeat. Healer Burke confirms that nothing has changed since the previous scan. The only difference is the small spots of blood she can see, indicating that Draco’s body is already starting to terminate the pregnancy. 

Burke lets Draco put his clothes back on and then she tells them about the options the other healer mentioned last week. Draco and Harry have discussed them at home, and Draco is glad when Harry starts to answer the question of what they want. 

“I don’t want to be a bitch, but I need Draco to answer this. I can’t prescribe him anything if I don’t hear it from him,” Burke tells them. 

Draco looks at her and shakes his head. Harry curses next to him and mutters something about stupid hospital rules. 

“What is wrong with me answering for us what we want?” Harry asks. “It’s not like I would tell you something Draco hasn’t already agreed with.”

Burke has the decency to look guilty. “Draco is the official patient. He has to be the one to agree with whatever we are going to do now.”

“I agree, okay. I want this over and done with.”

“So you want to take the potion to induce the miscarriage?” Burke asks.

“Yes, I want the potion,” Draco whispers. It’s a sentence he never expected to say, it goes against everything he fought for four years ago. Harry’s arm pulls him close, and Draco cries against his chest. 

“Thank you, Draco. I’ll write a prescription, and then you can pick it up at the hospital’s pharmacy when you go home today. It’s already late now, so I would advise waiting till tomorrow morning before you take the potion. This way, if you start to lose too much blood, you don’t end up with the slimmed-down night crew here at the hospital.”

Draco nods his head against Harry’s chest. He’s not sure if he’ll be able to wait, but Burke doesn’t need to know this. 

Burke goes over what will happen, explains what it would look like and asks them to call once it is done to make another appointment for a check-up scan. Harry asks if this will be done with magic instead and Draco is glad to hear Burke confirm this. Draco doesn’t think he can survive another scan like this. He wants it to be over so that he can go on his holiday to Greece next week. Not that it will be a happy holiday, but at least he will be away from London. Now that the Auror in the waiting room figured out that Harry and Draco have lost an unborn child, it’s sure to be in the Prophet tomorrow. And that will bring the letters and cards, the good and the bad all mixed up with each other, just like after the wedding. Draco is not sure if he’s up to the attention. He just wants to grieve in peace, preferably with Harry’s arms around him.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


The potion is grey and looks like it's off. Draco picks up the bottle with shaking hands. He knows he has to take it, that it’s for the best. But that doesn’t mean it makes it any easier. Once he takes this, it’s all over. There will be no way back. 

“If you’re not sure, we can wait,” Harry says. He sits on the bed next to Draco, his hand resting on Draco’s back. “You don’t have to do this today.”

Draco nods and takes a deep breath. “I think I need to,” he says. Without thinking about it, he lifts the bottle to his mouth and swallows the contents. “Fuck, they could have made it taste a little nicer,” he comments. Harry doesn’t respond. Draco looks at him. A tear travels slowly from the corner of Harry’s eye down his cheek. It hangs at his chin for a couple of seconds before it falls. When another tear escapes Harry’s eye, Draco lifts his hand to wipe it from his cheek. Harry turns to look at Draco, and he tries to smile. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. 

Draco shakes his head. “Don’t apologise. I know this hurts,” he says.

Harry leans forward and kisses Draco. “I love you,” he tells Draco. 

“I love you too,” Draco answers. They rest their foreheads against each other. If all goes well, this nightmare will be over soon. And then maybe they can get back to some kind of normal. 

“How long do you think it will take before it starts working?” Draco asks. 

Harry sits up a little straighter and shakes his head. “You didn’t listen to one-word healer Burke said yesterday, did you?”

“Not really, I’m sorry. I know I’m useless lately.”

“Don’t. It’s okay. She said it would take a couple of hours to take effect. You will get cramps that can be pretty painful, that’s why she also prescribed the pain potions,” Harry explains. 

“I won’t take them,” Draco says. “I can’t.”

“I know,” Harry answers. He looks away, and Draco knows he’s scared. Healer Burke is aware of Draco’s past, and still, she prescribed the stupid things. It only means today is going to be hell for Draco, and for Harry, who will have to watch helplessly.

After some time they get up from the bed and make their way downstairs and start a movie on the television. Draco has no idea what it is about. His mind is blank, and all he can focus on is Harry laying against his chest. When the movie comes to a close, Draco feels sick. His stomach hurts, and he knows it’s starting. The first cramps are manageable and just annoying. But it doesn’t stay that way. Within a half-hour, Draco lays on the sofa with a pillow pushed against his stomach. He screams in pain with every cramp. Harry sits in front of the couch, one hand holds onto Draco’s hand, the other hand keeps sliding Draco’s hair from his face. 

“How long is this going to last,” Draco asks between cramps.

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” Harry answers. 

“It hurts. I didn’t expect it to hurt this bad.”

Harry places a kiss on Draco’s forehead. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I wish I could help, could make it easier, but I don’t know how.” He sounds just as desperate as Draco feels. “I’ll call Hermione, see if she knows anything that might help.” 

Draco nods and then is consumed again with pain. He squeezes Harry’s hand. It’s a miracle that he hasn’t crushed it yet. It must hurt, but Harry doesn’t complain. 

“I’m glad you’re here with me,” Draco tells Harry. Harry pulls his phone from his pocket. Draco doesn’t listen to his conversation with Hermione. He’s consumed with pain again. He just wants it all to stop. Why does this have to hurt so much? Isn’t it enough that he has to poop out his dead baby, does it have to be this painful. How do women survive to get periods each month? Are they as bad as this? Draco hopes for them they aren’t. 

“Sweetheart, Hermione says a shower might help. She likes to take long hot showers when she struggles with menstruation pains. So if you want we can see if it helps.” 

Draco confirms and he lets Harry help him up the stairs and into their bathroom. Between cramps, they both remove their clothing, and Harry turns on the water. Steam fills the bathroom, and for some seconds, the hot water feels nice. Until another cramp takes over Draco’s body and he falls against Harry. Harry’s arms are strong around his waist and hold him up for some time. 

“I’ve got you,” Harry whispers in Draco’s ear. “We’ll get through this, I promise. You are so strong and brave. I love you.” 

It helps a little to hear Harry say the words; it only doesn’t take the pain away. After some time they sit down on the shower floor, and Harry pulls Draco on his lap and holds him while Draco cries. The pain becomes worse with every cramp. Small tickles of blood flow from Draco, and he hopes that it will be over soon. He’s so tempted to go for the pain potions to relieve his pain, no matter the consequences. This pain is too much, too unbearable. It’s then that the first little jelly-like tissue leaves Draco’s body. For a moment Draco wonders if that is all, but the cramps don’t die down and he’s afraid it’s not over yet. 

A soft knock on the bathroom door brings Draco and Harry back to the rest of the world. The bathroom door opens a little. “I’ve been by the cafeteria and got you guys some fish and chips. Hermione says greasy food always helps, so we decided to deliver some. I’ve left it on the kitchen counter under a stasis spell,” Ron tells them. 

“Thank you, Ron,” Harry answers. 

“I’ve got the afternoon off. So if you guys want I can stay.”

Draco shakes his head. He knows Ron means well, but he doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. It’s already hard enough to see the concern on Harry’s face all the time. He doesn’t think he can manage Ron’s pity next to that. 

“No, it’s fine, Ron. You can go home. I’ll call if we need anything,” Harry tells him.

“Sure, no problem,” Ron answers. He closes the bathroom door and is gone by the time Harry and Draco leave the shower to go and eat the fish and chips. Draco takes small bites in between the cramps that paralyse him. He doesn’t finish all, but it’s nice to have a little food inside his body. 

It isn’t long after that that Draco feels he needs to go to the toilet. A large bundle of tissue comes out of him. It’s gross and looks disgusting. But it’s a relieve. Instinctively Draco knows that this is it. The worst is over, and he survived. He cries tears, not from the physical pain this time, but from the emotional pain. His baby is gone now for real. It’s all over. He and Harry won’t become parents. 

The bleeding doesn’t stop for another couple of days. Reminding Draco of what he lost every time he moves around and feels the blood tickle from his body. Harry makes the appointment for the check-up scan. They can come in the day before their trip to Greece. All is clear, Draco’s uterus is clean and whole. Healer Burke tells them not to give up that next time all will be better. Draco isn’t so sure about that, and he tells Harry he wants to stop trying for some time. Harry agrees and doesn’t complain when Draco picks up his birth control potion. They visit Teddy and Andromeda in the evening. Teddy tells them all about their trip to the coast and how much fun it was to build a sandcastle together with his grandma. Draco tells him he will miss him and that he looks forward to the week of holiday they have planned with Teddy once they return from Greece. By then Draco hopes to feel a little more like himself again.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Harry sits on the balcony of their small apartment in Greece. The sun rises slowly on the horizon and lights up the sea. Harry stares at the water and thinks of going for a swim. He lifts his coffee to his mouth and cherishes the rich aroma. One more day and then they will be off home again, back to reality. Hermione called yesterday to tell them the papers haven’t calmed down. Press is still lurking around their home. The vultures think it’s okay to use their pain to sell magazines and papers. Harry never understood it, why people want to know everything about him. Why they think they own him in some way, only because one stupid prophecy Trelawney made years ago. 

Harry turns his head and looks into the room. Draco is still asleep on the bed. His back turned towards Harry, his body hidden by a sheet. Only a couple of blond strands stick out of it. He’d cried himself to sleep again last night. Harry had held him and told him it was okay. Harry doesn’t know what else to do. Healer Burke had said it would be different for them both. And technically, Harry understands this. Draco had carried their child, had suffered through the physical discomforts and pain. And the only thing Harry could do was stand at the sideline and hold him. 

The first glass of wine they took after it happened didn’t taste as nice as it should have. Tears and broken words accompanied it. Just like the first time they got naked, and Draco buried himself deep into Harry. It had been sweet and painful. And Harry feels helpless. He doesn’t know how to comfort Draco, or even himself. Something is missing with everything they do.

It would have all been so perfect, a child of their own. Teddy, the proud big brother. And then over a couple of years another one. It’s all Harry has ever dreamed off, a loving family of his own. And to do it with the man he loves more than anything is a blessing. Until it all went wrong. Draco thinks he hides it, that Harry doesn’t see how he blames himself. Harry keeps telling him it’s not his fault, that he still loves him. And maybe soon Draco will start believing it too. Harry hopes he will. He knows how destructive it can be when Draco loses hope. 

Harry finishes his coffee and walks back into the room. He looks for his trunks so he can go and take a morning swim. If he goes now, he can be back and showered by the time Draco wakes up. They can order breakfast and plan their last day. Go into town, buy some souvenirs and presents for Teddy. Have lunch at that lovely little cafe at the beach, maybe dabble along the water before they have to pack their things to be in time for their port key tonight. 

Draco stirs in his sleep, and Harry walks over to him. He brushes his hand through Draco’s hair and places a kiss on his temple. “Sleep, sweetheart. I’ll be back soon, just heading out for one last swim,” Harry tells him. 

“Don’t drown,” Draco slurs. He doesn’t even open his eyes, and Harry laughs. 

“I promise I won’t,” he says. “Love you.”

“Love you too, now let me sleep,” Draco says, half asleep again already. 

Harry shakes his head and walks out of the room. He takes the stairs and makes it to the beach. There is only one other person out this early. A young woman walks with a baby in her arms up and down the coast. Harry stares at her. His chest aches and his vision blurs as tears start to form. Fuck, he thought he was doing better. At least Draco isn’t here to see it. He needs Harry to be strong for both of them, keep them standing in the middle of this shit storm. 

The woman smiles at Harry. “He struggles to sleep in this heat,” she says when she comes near. Harry nods, lost for words. 

“Have a good swim,” the woman says and then she continues her walk over the beach. Harry follows her with his eyes. He can’t move. The energy he’d had only moments ago has evaporated. The truth of what has been robbed from him and Draco slamming in like a hammer. They could have been that woman in a year. They could have had a new little addition to their family. And now it’s all gone, just like everything else in Harry’s life. 

No, he shouldn’t think like that. Just because he lost too many loved ones, that doesn’t mean that he’s doomed, that everyone around him will die. He’s not alone. He’s got Draco, the blond git that has stolen Harry’s heart and makes every day better. He’s got Teddy, his godson, that loves him and is growing up so fast. He’s got Ron and Hermione, his best friends. And all the other Weasleys. He’s got friends that are still alive and well, Neville, Luna, Ginny and Blaise, Seamus and Dean, Greg, and even Pansy. Who would have ever thought he would call her his friend one day? Not that Pansy feels the same, it’s clear she hates Harry. The price to pay for stealing the man she loves apparently. 

Harry looks back at the water. Naming all the people he loves who are still alive always helps. It was a trick his mind healer thought him, a way to remember that not everyone dies. Maybe Harry should make an appointment with him again soon. Just to talk about what has happened. Find healthy ways to cope with this loss and to see if he has ideas of how Harry can help Draco move on too. 

The water is refreshing when Harry steps into it. The swim helps clear his mind further. Today is going to be about him and Draco. They are going to enjoy their last day in Greece and not dwell on what has been lost. The numbers are clear. One in ten pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. And most of those couples fall pregnant again soon after. Harry will just have to be a little more patient before his family is allowed to grow. But it will happen, Harry is sure of it. He and Draco would get a beautiful baby one day. And it will be the happiest day in Harry’s life.


	2. Happy New Year

“Hermione, how long does it take to get a bottle of champagne?” Draco shouts while he walks into the kitchen. “Fuck, I didn’t need to see that,” he continues when he spots Hermione, who sits on the counter, her legs wrapped around Ron’s hips. Ron’s trousers pushed down to his knees, his face panting in Hermione’s neck. 

Draco turns around and walks out of the kitchen. He hears Hermione scream an apology and Draco, the idiot that he is, pushes the door back open and tells them to get a room. 

“It’s my house, I’ll fuck my wife wherever I want,” Ron says. He pulls his trousers back up, and Draco shakes his head. 

“Not when you’re having a party,” Draco tells him. Ron’s lack of manners will never stop to amaze Draco. Right now, he needs a large dose of alcohol so he can erase the image of Ron fucking Hermione on the kitchen counter out of his head. 

“Didn’t you like the view? Ron has a very nice butt,” Hermione pitches in. She opens the fridge and takes out two bottles of champagne. 

“No, thank you. I do not enjoy witnessing heterosexual sex,” Draco says. Ron laughs and that traitor Hermione grins. 

The kitchen door opens again, and Harry walks in. “What is taking you all so long. Seamus is about to explode, afraid he won’t get his glass of champagne in time for the count down.”

“Ask your best friends, they’ve just scarred me for life,” Draco tells him. He opens one of the cupboards and starts to take out the champagne glasses. Harry takes a couple and kisses Draco on his cheek. 

“Ron, what did you do now?” Harry asks. 

Ron has the decency to turn red. “Oh, nothing, Hermione and I just got a little carried away.”

Harry laughs and pats Draco on his shoulder. “Welcome to the club. I think about everyone here has walked in on them having sex at least once since they started fucking each other on every surface available.”

“Not a club I wanted to be part of,” Draco counters back. 

“I know, love. Just be glad you didn’t share a house with those two for over a year. I was afraid to eat from my dining table.”

And there is another image Draco doesn’t need. “Not the dining table we still have in our house?” Draco asks. The one Harry brought along when they moved into their own house. 

“Are we doing this in the kitchen or something?” Seamus asks when he puts his head around the door. 

“Fuck no, I don’t want to start my new year at the place that scarred me for life,” Draco says. He hands some glasses to Ron, takes one for himself and pulls a bottle out of Hermione’s hand. He walks out of the kitchen and back to the living room where the rest of the party is booming.

Neville and Luna sit together in a corner, Dean stands next to them, waving his hands around while he talks. Blaise, Ginny, Pansy and Greg dance on the impromptu dance floor. Blaise his hands are on Ginny’s hips, and Draco can’t help but smile. His friend had circled around that girl for years, afraid he wouldn’t be good enough for the famous Quidditch star. Until a couple of months ago, when Harry had let slip that the pining was mutual, and Blaise had finally ask Ginny out on a date. 

“We’ve got the champagne,” Seamus shouts as he follows Draco into the living room. He starts to hand out glasses and rushes everyone to gather. Harry slips his arm around Draco’s waist while he holds out his glass for Draco to fill with the champagne. 

“Ron assures me they never did it on our dining table, so please can we keep it?” Harry whispers in Draco’s ear. 

Draco opens the bottle of champagne and fills their glasses. He hands the bottle off to Pansy, who claims she won’t part with it anymore until she’s off to her other party, the one with all the handsome single men before Draco turns to Harry. “I love that table too much to give it up,” he tells Harry. 

They fill all the glasses just in time for the count down. And while the numbers count down, Draco can’t help but smile. This coming year is going to be amazing. Draco’s boss has approved the cut of Draco’s hours so that Harry can start to work full time at the Muggle school where he teaches English. Teddy is going to spend more time at their home, once he starts primary school in May. And maybe, their family will even grow if all goes according to plan. 

“Three, two, one, Happy New Year!” the room shouts. Draco turns his head and kisses Harry. They share an intimate moment in which they wish each other a happy new year before Hermione pulls Harry away from Draco. Draco turns and is just in time to catch Pansy when she jumps and hugs him with her entire body. 

“You’re drunk, Pansy,” Draco tells her.

“I know, and I don’t care. It’s a new year, and I’ve got myself a job at Gringotts as a curse breaker.”

Draco puts Pansy back on the ground and looks at her. “You said the interview was one disaster.”

“I know what I said. They called yesterday. The job is mine!” She turns and starts dancing to the music again. Draco shakes his head and raises his champagne glass to Greg. They do it every year, just one small gesture to remember the friend they lost. Draco would rather forget, but it helps Greg, so Draco does it every year. It’s not Vincent’s fault that his birthday was the first of January, or that the propaganda of their parents so blinded him that he didn’t realise what a stupid mistake he made casting that fire. 

And then Harry is back, his arms around Draco’s waist. “Let’s go outside and watch the fireworks,” he says. Draco agrees and follows him outside. Seamus is already setting up his show for the night. It’s a good thing that Hermione and Ronald’s cottage is so remote. No Muggle would believe that the fireworks Seamus comes up with could be bought in a regular store. 

“I’ve been thinking,” Draco starts when he and Harry find a private spot to cuddle up together to stay warm. 

“Oh, should I be worried?” Harry jokes. 

Draco smiles at Harry and kisses him on the nose. Harry laughs and takes Draco’s face in his hands to give Draco a proper kiss. When they part again, the firework show has started, and they both look at the fantastic animals Seamus has created in the sky. The entire party has gathered outside, and Draco tells Harry they should go for a walk once the show is over. Harry nods his head in approval without taking his eyes from the sky. Draco struggles to stay focused on the display of fireworks. He loves to watch Harry while he stares at the light-up sky. The pure joy so clearly on his face while he rests his head against Draco’s chest. 

When the show is over, the others move back into the house. Harry takes Draco’s hand and leads him further away from the house. He smiles and lets his free hand brush the leaves of some bushes they pass. 

“So, what is it that you’ve been thinking about,” Harry asks when the curiosity gets the best of him. 

“I think I’m ready to stop with the birth control potions,” Draco says. 

Harry stops in his tracks and looks at Draco with the most amazing grin on his face. Draco knows Harry had said it was up to Draco when they would start trying again, that he didn’t want to rush him. And Draco loves Harry for being so patient with him. It’s no secret that if it had just been up to Harry, Draco would never have started with the birth control again. But Harry was a good man, and he hadn’t complained about it once. 

“You’re sure?” Harry asks. 

“Yes, Harry, I’m sure,” Draco tells him. Harry’s lips are upon Draco’s, and the kiss is heated. 

“If it weren’t so fucking cold, I would have fucked you right here in the woods,” Harry says. 

“You’re an idiot,” Draco tells him. “You can fuck me when we fall in our bed sometime this morning, pissed out of our minds.”

“Or maybe, we can go back inside and disgrace Ron’s furniture to punish them for scarring you for life with their heterosexual sex,” Harry jokes. 

“Good plan,” Draco tells him and they both laugh.

“Let’s get back and get pissed then,” Harry says. He takes Draco’s hand in his again and starts the trek back to the cottage. And Draco is sure now. 2002 is going to be the best year ever. 

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


“I’m sorry,” Hermione repeats. Draco stares at her. He can feel the tears slide over his cheeks. He wants to tell her he’s not mad at her, that he’s happy for her and Ron. Only his mouth won’t cooperate. He opens it, only to close it again. Because he also wants to scream. He wants to take his wand and smash Hermione's plates and glasses until it doesn’t hurt anymore. 

“I know this is the worst time to tell you both, but Ron slipped up when he was at his mother's. And Harry, you know how Molly is. Before tomorrow the entire family will know. And I wanted you to hear it from us.” Hermione rattles on. Draco loves her; he truly does. It just hurts, more than he expected. 

“It’s okay, Mione,” Harry tells her. “And we’re happy for you and Ron. It’s amazing news. It’s just, well, you know.” Harry rests his hand on Draco’s and squeezes it lightly. 

“I’m truly sorry,” Hermione repeats. Tears well up in her eyes and Draco shakes his head. He doesn’t want to upset her. She should be happy and glowing. Draco knows the feeling, wishes every night that he could get that feeling back. He was an idiot to think that once he would stop with the birth control potion, he would be pregnant straight away. It’s only been three months. The average time for someone of his age to fall pregnant is five to six months. There is nothing to worry about. Their time will come. Draco just needs to be patient. And stop thinking about the baby he’d already lost. 

“Don’t apologise,” Harry tells Hermione. “We’ll celebrate later. But this week. It’s been hard.”

Hermione nods and then gets up to make more tea.

“We’re really sorry, Harry,” Ron says. “I should have been more careful with my words around my mother.”

“It’s okay, Ron. We’re glad you invited us over to make sure we didn’t hear from someone else. And I’m looking forward to becoming a godfather again.” Harry turns to look at Draco. He wipes a tear from Draco’s cheek and smiles at Draco. Draco tries to smile back at him, but the corners of his mouth don’t want to rise to form a smile. Ron and Hermione were supposed to be the godparents by now, and Harry and Draco the parents, not the other way around. 

“I think we’re going to go home now,” Harry says without taking his eyes of Draco. 

“Yeah, sure. No problem, man. We get it.” Ron gets up and hugs Harry and then Draco. “Don’t worry about it, cry all you need, and we’ll drink a beer soon to celebrate,” Ron tells Draco before he lets go of him. Draco can only nod his head in agreement. He’s afraid that if he tries to talk, he will break down completely. Draco somehow finds the strength to hug Hermione and congratulate her before he turns and takes Harry’s hand. Harry swirls them away from Ron and Hermione’s cottage. 

Draco lands with his feet on the fluffy rug that decorates their living room and crumples to the floor. Harry’s arms are around him in seconds. “It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Harry says. Draco nods against Harry’s chest and grabs hold of his sides, pulling him closer towards him. 

“It hurts, it hurts so fucking much,” Draco stutters. 

“I know, sweetheart. It’s okay, they understand.”

“We could have had a baby by now,” Draco says. The words hurt, but it’s what has been swimming around his head this entire week. That if he hadn’t lost their baby, it would have been born around this time. They would have been parents. But instead of that, the only thing Draco has is a massive hole in his heart that doesn’t seem to heal. No matter how hard he tries to mend it back together. 

“One day, we just need to be a little more patient,” Harry tells Draco. 

“Says the most impatient person I know,” Draco jokes. They both laugh, and the burden on Draco’s shoulders lifts a little. He’s not doing this alone. It still surprises him some times that he has someone who cares for him, cries for him and holds him when the world seems too heavy to handle. 

“Do you want to order some pizza? We kind of skipped the dinner part, and I don’t feel like cooking anything,” Harry says. Draco lifts his head and sits up a little straighter. 

“I should apologise to them.” Draco wrings his hands together. “I was a horrible guest.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Harry tells him. “Nobody blames you. You heard Hermione. She couldn’t stop apologising for being pregnant and having to tell us now, on the day you were due.” 

“But still, I don’t want her to think I’m not happy for them,” Draco says. He can’t help it. He feels guilty for not celebrating with them. No matter how much they understand, it’s wrong and impolite. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” Harry strokes his hand through Draco’s hair and then places a soft kiss on his lips. “They don’t think that. They know you love them.”

“I’m jealous,” Draco confesses. He looks at the ground and plucks on his sweater. 

Harry laughs, and Draco looks up, confused. “What you’re laughing about? It’s horrible. They are our friends, and I’m jealous that they get what I want. I’m a horrible person.”

“Well, then we’re both horrible people,” Harry states. 

Draco stares at Harry. Sometimes he’s a mystery to Draco. Even after all this time they’ve spent together, getting to know each other more and more each day. A beautiful, wonderful mystery. But nonetheless a mystery. 

“I’m jealous, too, silly,” Harry says. “Fuck, you know how badly I want a family of our own. You have any idea how hard it was to wait patiently until you were ready to try again? And how fucking hard it is to be patient until it’s our time now when my best friends stop birth control and fall pregnant within a month. I wanted to destroy their kitchen and hug them at the same time.”

Draco laughs and pulls Harry in for another kiss. Their lips smash together, and Draco crawls on top of Harry’s lap, his legs around his hips. It doesn’t take long before their sweaters lay somewhere around them on the floor and Harry starts to open Draco’s trousers. Draco feels relieved when Harry works his way inside him, knowing he’s just as eager as Draco to get what they want. 

After they lay on the floor in the living room, their hands linked and one of the blankets that never leaves the sofa on top of them to make sure they stay warm. 

“What about that pizza, now?” Harry asks. 

“Yeah, a pizza sounds perfect as long as I can lay here for the rest of the evening,” Draco answers.

“I was more thinking of pizza and then upstairs, make it a little more comfortable for when I fuck you again,” Harry says while he gets up to find his phone. He rings the pizza place and orders their regular pizzas. Then he pulls on his pants and walks out of the room. 

“Where are you going?” Draco shouts after him. 

“I need a drink. You want beer or wine?” Harry shouts back from the kitchen. Draco hears the fridge open. 

“Do we have any white in there?” he asks. 

He can hear Harry laugh and Draco knows that he’s muttering now that they always have white wine in the fridge because they aren’t barbarians, as Draco likes to put it himself. Draco fishes out his phone from the pocket of his discarded trousers. He’s got a couple of messages from Pansy, asking him if he’s okay and if he needs to go drinking with her. That she heard from Bill that Hermione and Ron are expecting, and that she will go hex Ron if Draco wants her too. Draco texts back that he’s okay and that she can leave Ron in one piece. 

Hermione picks up on the first ring. Her greeting a little hesitant. Draco hates that he’s made her unsure of their friendship. 

“I love you, and I’m sorry I didn’t congratulate you properly,” Draco tells her. “Don’t let my stupid behaviour ruin this moment for you,” he continues. 

“I love you too,” Hermione answers. 

“Can we try this again tomorrow? I promise not to cry like a baby again.”

“Oh, Draco. You’re allowed to cry as much as you need. We love you. And I might not fully understand your pain. I know it’s there, and that’s okay. I also know that you’re happy for us and will be an amazing uncle to our little one.”

“Thank you,” Draco says. He feels new tears in his eyes, and he’s glad that Harry has returned with the wine and places an arm around him. 

Harry mouths Hermione, and Draco nods. Harry kisses Draco on his cheek and turns on the television. 

“You go and have a good evening with Harry,” Hermione says on the other side of the line. “And then we’ll see you guys tomorrow for lunch, and you can all drink a beer on my pregnancy while I sip some fruit juice.”

Draco laughs and tells Hermione they will. They say their goodbyes and Draco puts his phone away. He rests his head on Harry’s shoulder and watches the telly with him in silence. His mind races and he can still feel the hole in his heart, but the strong arm around his shoulders helps, and maybe soon the pain will be replaced by the joy of a new little miracle of their own.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


“I’m four, I’m four, I’m four,” Teddy screams while he runs at Draco and Harry. Harry opens his arms and lifts the young boy into the sky and spins him around. Draco shakes his head and walks into the little cottage Andromeda calls home. He doesn’t need to see how Harry will hug the boy and give Draco a glimpse of what it could be like when they have their own little one. 

Andromeda’s cottage is small, with just two bedrooms, a bathroom and an open living area. But it’s all they need, as Andromeda likes to put it. She’s in the kitchen, putting the final touches on a massive cake. 

“You spoil him too much,” Draco tells her. 

“Says the man that comes with a bag filled with presents,” Andromeda counters back. 

“All Harry, I promise you. I told him he shouldn’t spoil the boy, but does that man ever listen to me?”

Andromeda laughs and pats Draco on his shoulder. “He listens more to you than he has ever listened to anyone else. Now don’t be a spoilsport and help me get these treats ready before the rest arrive.”

Draco nods and starts on icing the little cupcakes Andromeda has baked. Harry walks into the house with Teddy in his arms. Draco can’t help but stare at them. Teddy’s hair is as dark and wild as Harry’s until Harry mentions Draco’s name and Teddy’s hair turns platinum. 

“He’s excited to spend more time with his uncles. I told him yesterday about our new arrangement,” Andromeda says. Draco turns to look at her and is surprised to see the smile on Andromeda’s face. 

“I thought you would be sad to have him be away so much,” Draco confesses. 

“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I will miss the little bugger. But it’s better for him. I’m getting too old for this. I won’t be able to play with him as you and Harry can. And he will still be here every other week. It’s not like I have to give him up completely.”

Draco doesn’t know what to say. He’s happy that they can help out, and he loves Teddy. He’s a fantastic child. And the way Harry is with him, how much it’s brightens Harry’s mood when Teddy is around. It’s worth the pain. Because it hurts more every time Teddy and Harry interact, seeing what an amazing father Harry would be to their children. And every month that passes without Draco getting pregnant is another reminder that it may never happen for them. That they will never be able to make Teddy a big brother. 

“Are you okay, dear?” Andromeda asks. Draco shakes his head and Andromeda puts down the decoration she was just about to put on Teddy’s cake. Her arm slides around Draco’s waist, and she pulls him close. “I know, you don’t have to explain,” she says. Draco lets her touch and soft words comfort him. “I used to look at Ted and Nymphadora like that, hoping against hope that our family would grow sooner than later. I hope your story will have a happier end then mine,” Andromeda finishes. Draco puts his arm around his aunt's shoulders and whispers a thank you in her ear. 

“Uncle Draco, how many presents did you bring?” Teddy shouts as Harry puts him down. Andromeda laughs next to Draco and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek before she lets go of him and continues with the birthday cake. 

“I didn’t bring any presents. Why should I bring presents?” Draco teases Teddy. 

“Because it’s my birthday,” Teddy tells Draco. “I’m four now, and on Monday I’m going to school together with uncle Harry.”

Harry kneels next to Teddy and whispers something in his ear. They both grin and then Teddy looks back up at Draco. “Uncle Draco, did you bring your broom today?” 

Draco laughs and pushes Harry’s face away, making the man tumble over. Teddy laughs and points at Harry. “You fell,” he giggles. And just like that, the boy has forgotten all about the massive hint Harry gave him about one of his presents. He runs off to his box with toys and pulls out some of his favourite ones. Harry moves to sit next to Teddy and plays with him. Draco turns away and tries to focus on the cupcakes again. It’s a dull job, but he gets it done. And then Hermione and Ron are there, just like Molly and Arthur. And when Draco sits down with a glass of wine, Blaise and Ginny walk into the house. 

It’s a fun afternoon, and Teddy is excited when he opens his presents. The new broom is a big success, and it doesn’t take long before Harry pulls out Draco’s and his brooms so they can go flying with Teddy. But Teddy only wants to fly with Ginny, saying she’s the best. So Ginny takes Draco’s broom, and she and Harry take off with Teddy to the backyard to fly around. 

“You and Harry having any luck on the baby front?” Blaise asks when he sits down next to Draco. 

Draco takes a sip of his wine. He knows Blaise means well, but it hurts. Today is supposed to be about Teddy, and the only thing Draco seems to do is trying not to cry because he doesn’t have his own little baby. 

“I guess that’s a no,” Blaise continues. 

“Yes, it is a no,” Draco snaps. 

“I’m sorry,” Blaise says. “I didn’t mean to be rude. Ginny told me how much Harry has always wanted to have a big family, and that you started trying again.” 

“Yeah, well not everyone falls pregnant on their first try,” Draco answers. “I’m sure you will hear it when we’re expecting again.” 

Blaise picks up his beer and looks towards the back door. “You’re getting impatient,” he says. 

“Fuck, yes, Blaise, I am. We’ve been trying again for months.”

“Your time will come, Draco. You just have to be patient for a little longer,” Blaise says when he looks back at Draco. 

Draco slams his wine on the table and gets up. His hands are shaking, and the tears are threatening to slip from his eyes. “What the fuck do you know,” he spits out. He turns towards the front door. It’s always the same with Blaise. Ever since Draco told him he hated how little Blaise seemed to care after the war, Blaise thinks he can put his nose into every small aspect of Draco’s life so that he can see how imperfect it is, compared to his own. All is good and well in the world as long as Blaise is better off then everyone around him.

Draco walks past a confused Andromeda, she opens her mouth to say something, and Draco just shakes his head. He walks on the side of the road that will lead him to the small town close to Andromeda’s cottage. Tears stream over his face and his hands shake next to his body. He’s about halfway to town when his legs start to protest, and Draco kneels on the moist ground. 

A car stops next to him. Draco shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk to some Muggle who wants to be noble. But it’s a familiar voice that says his name. A gentle hand rest on his back and Draco looks up at the friendly smile of Luna Lovegood. 

“Do you want us to take you with us to the party, or should I take you home?” Luna asks. Draco is glad she doesn’t ask why he’s here, broken down on the side of a street. 

“Teddy will wonder where I am,” Draco manages to say. 

“Well, let's go then. You can sit in the back, and we’ll get you back before he even notices that you were gone.” 

Draco gets up with the help of Luna, and he takes a seat in their car. He remembers something about their plans to travel all over Great Britain this year to find rare plants and non-exciting creatures. But why in a Muggle car? Draco has no idea. Luna rattles on and on about all the places they’ve been so far, and Draco tries to listen. But his mind is filled with his stupid actions. Why did he run away? Why can’t he enjoy the party and forget about the biggest failure in life? Why was he angry at Blaise? Draco has no idea anymore. Today is supposed to be about Teddy and his birthday. And Draco has ruined it, just like how he ruins everything else. 

When Andromeda’s house comes in view, Draco sees Harry walk out of the house and look around. He pushes his hand through his hair and Draco hates himself for ruining this day for Harry too. 

The car stops on the driveway, and Neville and Luna step out. Luna moves the car seat so Draco can get out. 

“Neville, have you seen Draco?” Harry asks. Draco hears the panic in his voice. 

“We’ve got him,” Neville answers and points to the back of the car. Harry looks towards it, and Draco has to swallow away a lump in his throat when Harry looks at him. Harry is next to the vehicle in seconds and takes Draco’s hand while he gets out. The hand pulls Draco against Harry’s body, and before Draco knows it, he’s crying against Harry’s shoulder with too strong arms around him. 

“I love you,” Harry says. “No matter what, I will always love you.” 

Draco sniffs and lifts his head. “I’m sorry,” he says. 

“Don’t,” Harry tells him. His hand wipes away a tear from Draco’s cheek. Draco wants to protest, wants to scream that Harry should let him apologise. Draco is ruining everything these days. He’s the reason they don’t have their own baby. He’s the reason why Harry will never have a big family. He’s at fault. But Draco doesn’t scream. He just nods and lets Harry guide him back inside the house. They sit down on the sofa together and watch as Teddy shows off all his new toys. They eat cake and drink wine. And Draco knows he should enjoy this moment, that he should live in the here and now. But all he can think off is how he wants to go home and crawl in his bed.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


“I know it’s none of my business, but shouldn’t that boy be in bed by now?” Pansy asks. She nods her head towards the other side of the room where Teddy sits with his tong halfway out of his mouth, a crayon in his hand and his favourite colouring book of the moment in front of him. 

“Pansy, it’s only half-past six. His bedtime isn’t until seven,” Draco tells her. He picks up his glass of wine and grins. “What stupid thing did you do?” he asks Pansy.

“Why do you think I did something stupid?” Pansy asks. She twirls her glass of wine in her hand. 

“Oh, come on. I’ve known you since you were five. And there is only one reason why you show up uninvited and can’t wait till you can get me alone.” 

“Fine, yes, I did something stupid. But not in front of the kid. Come on Draco, be the responsible parent.”

They both laugh. Teddy looks up from his colouring. “Uncle Draco, do you think cows can be blue?” he asks. 

“Cows can be any colour you want, Tedster,” Pansy says. Draco gives her a look. They’ve talked about this. Teddy doesn’t like the name Tedster. But Pansy won’t stop using it. Draco isn’t sure if it’s because Teddy doesn’t like Pansy at all or if he genially hates the nickname. 

“My name is Teddy,” Teddy says with his angry voice. 

“Of course Tedster,” Pansy answers and then she turns back to swirling around her glass of wine. Draco shakes his head and gets up. He sits down next to Teddy on the floor. 

“Ignore Pansy, Teddy. Why did you want to know if cows can be blue?” Draco asks him.

“It’s for school. We drew a farm today, and I had blue cows. But Olivia said that cows can’t be blue,” Teddy explains.

“Well, I’ve never seen a blue cow. And I’m sure that if they exist, that no Muggle has ever seen them. You should ask Luna the next time she’s over if there are blue cows. I’m sure that she will know.”

Teddy nods his head and takes another crayon and starts to colour again. Draco pets his hair and then moves back to the sofa where Pansy is checking her nails. 

“You really should try harder to be nice to him, Pansy,” Draco tells her.

“Why? He’s not even yours,” Pansy says. 

“One more remark like that and you can leave this house,” Harry says from the doorway. Pansy looks up at him and waves her hand in front of her face. 

“Yeah, I know, behave and all that. Sorry Harry,” she says. Not that she means it. Draco knows her. Something is bothering her. She’s been trying to pick a fight with Harry and Teddy since the moment she stepped into the house. Draco had just made dinner, and Pansy invited herself to stay for it. And now she’s playing with her wine, hardly drinking from it. And that can only mean one thing. Pansy did something more than stupid. 

Harry looks at Draco. It’s strange how they can communicate without the need for words. Harry just nods and then turns to Teddy, asks him if he would like to have an extra-long bath tonight. 

“With magic bubbles?” Teddy asks. Harry nods in conformation. It’s all that is needed to get Teddy out of the room, already running up the stairs to the bathroom. 

“Talk to you later, Pansy. Don’t destroy my husband while I’m gone,” Harry says before he also walks out of the room. 

Draco pours himself another glass of wine. Pansy’s glass is still mostly full. It’s like she’s not drinking at all. 

“So, what is it that you did?” Draco asks. “Do we need to smuggle you over the border to keep you safe?” 

Pansy shakes her head. She looks at the door where Teddy and Harry disappeared and then back to her nails. Her eyes are avoiding Draco’s. 

“Bloody hell, Pansy. Spill it out. I haven’t seen you like this, since that time you got drunk and ended up in Blaise’s bed.”

Pansy looks up with wide eyes. “I thought we said we would never mention that again,” she spits. 

“Well, what is it then?” Draco asks. He knew mentioning the night with Blaise would get her to talk. He doesn’t feel like waiting all night for her to open up. He’s got an early start tomorrow, and he would like to get to bed in time. 

Pansy puts her glass of wine down on the table. Her hands wring together on her lap. “I don’t know how to tell you. But Blaise and Ginny were right. I can’t keep hiding this from you.”

“Hiding what from me, Pansy. You are freaking me out. What is it?” Draco starts to worry now. He thought she’d pissed off some guy again and would need a place to hide out for a while. But if she has already confided in Blaise and Ginny, it’s something else. Something worse. 

“I’m sorry. I know you’re going to hate me for this.” Pansy’s eyes are moist when she looks up at Draco. “I don’t want to lose you as my friend.”

Draco looks at the wine glass that Pansy had put down. There is no lipstick stain on it. “You’re not drinking your wine,” Draco whispers. No alcohol and confiding in Blaise first, Draco can only come up with one reason why Pansy would do both at the same time. 

“I haven’t been drinking wine for the last four months,” Pansy confesses. 

“Four months,” Draco repeats. “Please don’t tell me, that you, ‘I’m never having kids, they are the worst thing that could happen to a person’ is pregnant.” Draco glares at Pansy. He wants to grab a pillow and smother her with it. 

“I’m sorry, Draco, I never meant to,” Pansy says. 

“Yeah, of course, you didn’t mean too,” Draco cuts in. “You never mean any off it. You don’t mean to be rude to Harry, you don’t mean to tease Teddy to the point where he doesn’t like you, and you don’t mean to be the biggest slut I know. And you never mean to hurt me, but you do it anyway,” Draco shouts. 

“And this is why I didn’t tell you. I knew you would be like this. Just because you can’t have a child of your own. Really, Draco, I would think that by now you would have learnt that the world doesn’t revolve around you!” Pansy screams.

“I fucking know that! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have defended your behaviour. I wouldn’t have convinced Harry to let you stay here every time you screw up. You know that he only puts up with you because you are my friend. He thinks you’re spoilt and selfish. And I finally see how right he is.”

“I’m selfish? You get angry at me, just because I’m getting something you want but can’t have. Do you have any idea how hard this has been for me? The father doesn’t want anything to do with this child. I'm in this alone. And as much as I dreaded to tell you because I knew it would hurt you, I wanted you to be a part of this. You’re my best friend, for fuck’s sake. Start acting like one for a change.” 

Draco's nostril’s flair, and he’s tempted to reach for his wand to destroy the untouched glass of wine on the table. Instead, he points his hand towards the door. “Let yourself out, before I hurt you,” Draco hisses. “I never want to see you here again.” 

“Come on, Draco. You can’t shut me out now. I need you,” Pansy pleads. 

“GET OUT!” Draco yells. How dare she turn this around. Pansy never needed Draco. She just liked to use him whenever she’d screwed up. And Draco is sick of it. Of all of it. He’s been nothing but a friend to Pansy in all the years they’ve known each other. And now she’s done the worst thing possible, getting pregnant just to show that she can have what Draco isn’t capable of. 

Pansy picks up her handbag and walks out of the room. Not much later, the front door slams closed. Draco grabs his wand and points it at the glass that has been laughing at him this whole conversation. The glass fragments with a bang, wine spills on the table and floor. And then Draco rests his head in his hand and cries. Why can’t he have a baby? Why do all his friends around him get pregnant like it’s nothing, just a little mistake made between the sheets. How come Pansy gets what Draco and Harry long for. She’d be a horrible mother, Draco is sure of that. As soon as she wants her freedom back, she will resent her child. And Draco won’t be around to watch that happen. He can’t. 

“Draco,” a hesitant Harry says from the doorway. “What happened?”

Draco shakes his head. He doesn’t think he can talk now.

“Are you okay for a couple of more minutes? I’ll be right back, but I left Teddy alone in the bath,” Harry says. 

Draco nods and waves Harry away. Teddy comes first. If anything would happen to him because of that bitch Pansy, Draco would never forgive himself. He should have cut her out of his life sooner. He should have made sure that bitch never hurt Teddy in the first place. 

“I’ll be fine,” Draco stutters between his tears. “Go back to Teddy.”

“I love you. We’ll be down in a couple of minutes, and then we can all have some hot chocolate,” Harry says, and then he’s gone. Draco looks at the mess he made. He waves his wand around to clean up all the glass that is covering the floor. And then he pulls a blanket over himself and hides away from the world.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Draco lays in bed. He stares at the ceiling. A small tear tracks over his face, slowly making its way down to drop to the pillow below Draco’s head. Last year, on this day, he lost his baby. A whole year has passed, and nothing has changed. Draco is still not pregnant again. Draco wishes he knew what is wrong with him. The only thing he can think of that this is his punishment for all the wrongs he did during the war. All the lives he ruined in the name of blood purity and insanity. Why else would he still be childless? Hermione and Ron had forgotten protection once with New Years, and now Hermione is getting huge with the baby growing inside her. Pansy only needed a one night stand to get pregnant, the bitch. And she expects Draco to feel sorry for her. To tell her how horrible her life has become now that she needs to be responsible. Fuck her and her stupid stunts. Doesn’t she get that she has the one thing that Draco wants more than anything? Doesn’t she see that if Draco can’t get pregnant, he’s going to lose the love of his life? 

“I phoned in sick today,” Harry says from the doorway.

“You shouldn’t have,” Draco answers without looking at Harry. The bed dips when Harry sits down on it. His hand finds Draco’s and squeezes it lightly. 

“I’m not leaving you alone today,” Harry says.

Draco doesn’t know what to say. He knows Harry means well, tries to comfort him. But it hurts. Harry should hate him. It’s all his fault that they lost their baby, that they still don’t have a child of their own. 

“Andromeda called this morning. She wanted to know if I would be at school or not, so she could inform Teddy. And she said something that got me thinking.”

“Thinking about what?” Draco asks. 

“She mentioned that she and Ted had some tests done when they didn’t conceive again. And maybe, as it’s been so long.” Harry falls silent, and Draco turns his head to look at him. Harry shakes his head and stares at the picture on the side table, the one of Harry holding Teddy when he was just a baby. “Maybe we should consult a healer,” he finishes. 

Draco closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath. “I don’t know, Harry. Do you think it will help?” 

“It might. Maybe there is a simple cause to why we are struggling. And if they can find that and fix it. Isn’t it worth a shot?” 

Draco opens his eyes again. Harry has turned around on the bed, so he’s facing Draco. He looks excited as if he found the answer to all their questions. 

“And what if they don’t? What if it’s just bad luck?” Draco doesn’t know if he can handle that. Or maybe it’s even worse. Perhaps they will tell them that it truly is his fault and that there is no solution. That will make Harry leave him for sure. Once Harry finds out that Draco can never give him the family he wants so badly, it will all be over. 

“And what if it is because I died during the war? What if it’s because I once housed a part of Voldemort’s soul inside my body? Who knows how that fucked me up,” Harry says. 

Draco hates how Harry points the blame to himself. Like he could be at fault for all this. He’s perfect, why would he be the reason Draco can’t get pregnant. It’s so mixed up. Draco wants to open his mouth and tell Harry that he could never be at fault. He sacrificed himself to save everyone else. Why would he be punished for that? He’s not like Draco, who helped that mad man, who let Death Eaters into Hogwarts, who tortured others to save his own life. So many people died because of Draco’s cowardly actions. If anyone is at fault, it is him, not Harry. 

“Draco, I’ve been wondering. And I think I need this, need to know that this isn’t something Voldemort did to me by turning me into his final Horcrux,” Harry continues. 

“Okay,” Draco answers. He’ll go to a healer. He will let them do tests, let them find out that it’s all Draco’s fault. That the mark he still carries on his arm is to blame for everything. And then he’ll watch how Harry will slowly distant himself, how he will leave and find a man that can make his biggest desire come true. 

Harry leans in and kisses Draco. “Thank you,” he says. “I know this isn’t easy for you.”

“I’ll do anything for you,” Draco says. “I love you.” Please don’t ever forget that, he wants to say, but he can’t. Harry will forget one day, and that is fine. It’s not like Draco ever expected this fairy tale to last. 

Harry lays down next to Draco and rests his head on Draco’s chest. Draco twists his hand in Harry’s hair and plays with the strands. 

“I keep thinking of it. Keep seeing in how much pain you were. I hate how I couldn’t help you back then,” Harry says. “I felt so helpless.” 

“You were with me, that was all that mattered,” Draco tells him. It will be the one thing that will always matter. It’s Draco’s biggest dream, to always have Harry with him. A dream which is slowly dissolving into a nightmare. 

“Do you think it would have been a boy or a girl?” Harry asks. 

“A boy with beautiful green eyes.” Draco is certain of it. He’d dreamed about that boy, with his golden locks and green eyes, running around the house, flying his first broom. 

“He would have been a handful, being ours. Stubborn and impatient like me, innovative and smart like you,” Harry dreams. Draco can see it all in front of his eyes. How they would struggle to keep their little boy under control, but they would love every day of it because he was their boy. 

“I wanted to call him Scorpius,” Draco says.

Harry laughs. “Of course you would. It’s a bit much, isn’t it.”

“It’s tradition. Naming your first child after a constellation.” And Draco loves the name Scorpius. It isn’t only a constellation, but also a creature, just like his own name. 

“I was thinking more of James, after my dad,” Harry says. His voice is soft, and Draco knows he’s thinking of the man he only knows from his dreams. The man that was supposed to raise him but never got the chance because he died trying to safe Harry’s life. 

“James Scorpius will work,” Draco says. Not that it matters. That boy of their dreams is long gone, taken away before he even had the chance to live. 

“I like that,” Harry says. “James Scorpius Potter.”

The room turns quiet after that. Draco stares at the ceiling again. Another tear makes it way out of his eye, to slowly travel down. Harry wipes it away before it can drop down on the pillow. He kisses Draco’s cheek, his eyes, and then his mouth. It’s sweet and gentle. When Draco looks at him, he can see the moisture in Harry’s eyes. He hates that he put that there, caused Harry to feel this pain. So he does the only thing he can think of, he pulls Harry close and kisses him with more urgency until Harry forgets that they have lost James Scorpius Potter, until the only thing on Harry’s mind is Draco’s name.


	3. No Answers

“Stop pacing,” Draco snaps at Harry. Harry stops in his tracks and looks at Draco like he’s an idiot. And maybe he is. He’s known for years now that Harry can’t sit still when he’s nervous. Draco just wishes Harry would sit down and hold Draco’s hand in his. Maybe then this day will become more cheerful, as it’s supposed to be. 

Harry starts to pace up and down the hall again. Draco shakes his head and focuses his eyes on his own hands. It’s easier than to watch his husband be all nervous and excited about what is happening further down the hall. 

Draco has known that this day was coming. The last time they saw Hermione, she was huge and kept saying she wished the baby would just come already. So when Ron phoned Harry this morning to say they were on their way to the hospital, that it had started, it was no surprise. So now he and Harry sit in the small waiting room at the end of the hallway, while Hermione is giving birth to her little one. And all Draco can think off is how it’s been nine months since new years. And that for nine months he still hasn’t managed to conceive again. 

“Is it normal that it takes this long?” Harry asks. He looks at Draco from the other side of the small waiting area. 

“I believe natural births can take hours, even days,” Draco answers. He’s read all about it in one of his books. Of what is normal and what to expect when you give birth. He knows most of it was not applicable for him, but it’s hard to find pregnancy books that focus on only male pregnancies. So Draco has read all about what it’s like for a woman. 

“Yeah, but still. What if something is wrong?” Harry asks.

“Harry, I’m sure all is fine. Hermione is a tough one. Just be patient,” Draco tells him. 

Harry signs and sits down next to Draco. “Are you okay?” he asks. His hand reaches out and takes one of Draco’s in his. Draco smiles at the linked hands. 

“I’m fine,” Draco tells Harry. “It’s nice to be here for something good.” 

“It is,” Harry answers. They both remember the last time they were at this ward in the hospital and how painful and horrible that time was. 

They sit in silence. Draco rests his head on Harry’s shoulder. A young man walks past the waiting area, a newborn baby in his arms. Draco follows him with his eyes. Watches as the man softly sings to the baby. It stings in his heart. He hates the jealousy that grows inside him every time he sees someone with a baby. 

Sometime later, more familiar footsteps make their way towards them. Harry is on his feet before Ron is even in view. And when they look at each other, they share massive grins. Draco bites his lip not to say something mean. He wants to hurt Ron, make him less happy. He wants Harry to feel pain. 

“I’m a dad,” Ron says. And then Harry hugs the man. Draco gets up from his chair and picks up the present they brought along. He follows the excited talks of Harry and Ron to the room where Hermione and the new baby will be waiting for them. Draco just looks in from the doorway. He watches as Hermione smiles at Harry, a newborn baby on her chest, her arms protectively around it. Harry kisses Hermione on the cheek and then looks at the baby. He smiles and caresses her cheek with one of his fingers. It’s so gentle and beautiful. And it breaks Draco’s heart. 

“Look how tiny she is,” Harry says. He looks up and smiles at Draco. “What do you think, Draco?” 

Draco forces a smile on his face and steps into the room. He looks at the little girl in Hermione’s arms. “She’s beautiful,” he tells Hermione. 

Hermione looks at her baby. Her eyes glister, and Draco thinks she might even be glowing a little. 

“The most beautiful girl on the world,” Ron says from beside Draco. 

“She sure is,” Harry agrees. 

“Okay, well I’m off to inform the family. Wish me luck,” Ron says, and then he’s gone. 

Hermione rolls her eyes. “I told him I didn’t want them here. The horror stories from Fleur of how Molly kept barging into the room while she was giving birth to Victoire. And how she just decided to stay in the room when Fleur had Dominique. No, thank you. And now I get some time with my two favourite boys before the hordes decent on us.”

“We brought you a little gift,” Harry tells her. Draco holds the wrapped packages he’d been holding up for Hermione to see. 

“What did you buy? Nothing too crazy, I hope,” Hermione asks. 

“It’s just a stuffed animal,” Draco tells her. “Harry couldn’t help himself when he saw this one. Said it was perfect for his newest godchild.”

“You’re not supposed to tell her that,” Harry says. 

“What, that you dragged me into a toy shop when you saw this hideous thing in the window. Or how I had to stop you from buying up the entire store,” Draco teases him. 

“Thank you, Draco. My house is not big enough to contain the inventory of an entire toy shop. Now, could you take little Rose so I can see this hideous stuffed animal?” 

Draco freezes. He shakes his head and takes a step away from the bed. “I can’t,” he stutters. 

“Of course you can. She’s just a baby who wants to meet her uncle Draco,” Hermione tells him. Draco looks at Harry on the other side of the bed. He hopes he’ll take Rose instead. Draco doesn’t know if he can keep the fake smile on his face in place if he has to hold the little one. 

And then Harry says Draco’s name. Draco has to swallow away a lump in his throat and then nods. He sits down in the chair next to Hermione’s bed and takes little Rose from her arms. Her eyes are brown, the same colour as Hermione. Some small tufts of red hair sit on her head, and she looks so peaceful. All sounds around Draco seem to disappear while he watches the tiny baby in his hands. Draco’s vision starts to blur, and he thinks his arms begin to shake. It isn’t until a large tear falls onto Rose and she gives a single cry that Draco notices he’s crying. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Harry says. He’s knelt in front of Draco’s chair, and his hands hold Draco’s arms. Draco has no idea when Harry moved around the bed to comfort him. 

“She’s so beautiful,” Draco whispers. 

“Yes, she is,” Harry says. 

“I’m sorry,” Draco says.

“It’s okay, Draco,” Hermione says. Her hand rests on Draco’s shoulder. Draco thinks he should look at her, but he can’t take his eyes off the baby in his hands. 

“Do you think ours would have been this beautiful?” he asks. 

“I’m sure of it. Even more beautiful than Rose. Just because he would have had your beautiful grey eyes staring back at us,” Harry tells him. 

Draco nods his head. “And your awful black hair, already untenable since birth,” Draco says. 

One of Harry’s hands wipes a tear from Draco’s face. Draco looks up at Harry, and his heart breaks even further. Harry’s eyes are filled with love and understanding. Draco still doesn’t understand how Harry can be so kind to him when they talk about the baby they lost because of Draco. 

“I love you,” Draco tells him. 

“I know, sweetheart. I love you too,” Harry says. They stare at each other for a second and then both turn back to Rose who stirs a little in Draco’s arms. One day they will hold their own. Draco tries to believe in it. Even though it looks more like it will never happen with each day that passes by without Draco conceiving. But it’s Harry’s biggest wish, to have some children of his own. No matter how much he loves Teddy, and how much he sees him as his own, it just isn’t enough. And Draco knows this. He knows he’ll have to provide soon if he wants Harry to stay with him. 

“I survived the family,” Ron says when he steps back into the room. “I think we have about five minutes before mom arrives and maybe ten more before my entire family thinks they need to see Rose.” 

Draco looks back at Harry. “I don’t think I’m ready to see everyone right now,” he says. Harry nods his head and gets up on his feet again.

“Go, both of you. I’ll call when it calms down,” Ron says. “If I could, I would come with you. I think my mother wants to kill me for not calling her sooner.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ron,” Hermione says. “Your mother won't kill you.” 

“You’ve met my mother, right?” Ron asks.

“Okay, we’re off,” Harry pipes in. “Before Molly realises we were here from the start. I want to stay in her good books.”

“Traitor,” Ron says. 

Draco takes one more look at Rose and then hands the girl back to Hermione. They share a smile that tells Draco that she’s glad he was here to meet her before all the crazy Weasleys that are on the way. 

“Thank you,” he tells her. “I promise I won’t cry every time I get to hold her.” 

“I know,” Hermione answers. “And thank you for coming.”

Draco places a kiss on Hermione’s forehead and then one on Rose’s. “I’ll see you both soon,” he says. Then he takes Harry’s hand, and together they walk out of the room.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Harry takes Draco’s hand in his as soon as they sit down in Burke’s office. Draco doesn’t look at him. He’s focused on healer Burke who sits down in front of them. She takes out their file and Draco looks down at it. Only Burke doesn’t open the file. She just places her hand’s on top of it and looks at Draco. 

“I know what I’m going to tell you in a moment isn’t going to sound like good news, but I have to stress that it is, in fact, good news,” she tells them. 

Draco can feel Harry tense next to him, so he squeezes his hand lightly. No matter what comes next, Harry will have no blame in it. Not like he thinks he has. 

“After analysing all the test results, it’s clear that you both are in perfect health,” healer Burke continues. “There is no medical reason why you haven’t conceived again.” 

“What does that mean?” Harry asks.

“To be honest, it means that we have no idea why you haven’t conceived again,” Burke answers. 

Draco looks to the side, out of the window. He watches as some leaves fall from the tree, as they slowly wave down and out of sight. 

“Harry’s sperm count is above average, and the little buggers are active. There are no indications that anything that happened to you during the war had any effect on your fertility. And for Draco, his blood tests were all clear, and as we’ve seen in previous scans, his inner organs all look healthy, and there are no signs of obstructions. This means there are no clear signs of why it isn’t happening,” Burke continues. Draco only listens with half his mind. He knows why they couldn’t find anything wrong with them. It’s not his body that is blocking this; it’s his karma or whatever you want to call it. He brought this on them, with all his stupid decisions during the war. There is no other explanation. And once Harry will figure this out, he will leave to find someone that will be able to give him the family he so desires. 

“So, what now?” Harry asks. “There must be something we can do?”

“Well, as you’ve conceived before, and you’re both still young, we recommend to keep trying to conceive the natural way. Looking at the numbers, it’s still your best chance to get pregnant.”

“So we just wait?” Draco whispers. He blinks his eyes and hopes they aren’t as moist as they feel. 

“I’m afraid so,” Burke answers. 

“How is this good news?” Harry asks. “We’ve had all these tests just to get told to keep trying. We’ve been trying for months.”

“I know, Harry. But this is good news. It may not feel like it, but it is. You’re both healthy and able to conceive. That is more than most male couples we see here.” 

Draco shakes his head. It’s not good news at all. It’s just confirmation of what he’s thought all this time. He’s getting punished for his mistakes, and Harry gets to pay the price for it. 

“I know that we’re lucky that Draco is capable of carrying a baby. We’ve got friends that aren’t that lucky. They’re both half-bloods and both not capable. But it should have happened again, shouldn’t it? He got pregnant in only a couple of months that first time. I don’t understand why it isn’t happening again.” Draco hates the hesitation in Harry’s voice. Hates himself for causing all this pain. 

“That is understandable, Harry. It’s difficult to grasp that nature isn’t always black and white. But you shouldn’t give up hope. You are both still young, and there is a good chance it will happen any moment now,” Burke says. 

“And what if it still doesn’t happen? Are there any other options?” Harry asks. He still sounds so hopeful, so determent to make this happen. Draco doesn’t have that hope now that it’s clear that this is all his fault, just like he thought. He doesn’t believe there is anything left to say. He wants to go home and crawl back into his bed and forget this conversation ever happened. At least then he could still pretend that this wasn’t his fault. Now he knows for sure. Not that he will ever tell Harry. He can’t stand the thought of losing him too. 

“As you’re both healthy and fertile, there aren’t a lot of options for you both. There is In Vitro Fertilisation, in short IVF. It’s something we’ve copied from the Muggles.”

“And what is that?” Harry asks. He places his free hand on the table and leans a little forward. Draco wants to pull him back into his seat, wants to tell him it’s all useless. There is no way a Muggle treatment can solve their problem. Nothing can. 

“Well, in short, it means that we harvest a couple of eggs from Draco and then fertilise them with your sperm in our lab. And when we have a healthy embryo, we place it back in Draco’s uterus. It’s very intensive. Draco would have to take all kinds of potions to make sure his body doesn’t fight off the embryo when it’s placed back. It has a minimal chance of success with pregnancies in men. It’s a last resort. But like I said, you still have more chance to conceive the natural way, so you don’t have to worry about all of this yet.”

“What kind of potions?” Draco asks. He locks eyes with healer Burke, and he sees the answer in her eyes. “Ones I shouldn’t be taking, addictive once.” 

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” Burke answers. “That is one of the reasons I feel that it’s better to keep trying to conceive naturally. We don’t want to put you in danger of falling back into that habit if it’s not necessary.” 

Draco drops his head and looks at his lap. He can’t go back to that. Not if it’s going to be useless anyway. He will just have to learn to live with the fact that he’s never going to be a father, that he will never give Harry his life wish, a child of their own. But then Harry will leave, so maybe it’s okay, maybe Draco won’t become addicted to them. If it keeps Harry in his life, it might be an option. 

Harry places his arm over Draco’s shoulders. “So we keep trying. This IVF is out of the question. I won’t risk Draco’s health. It’s not worth it.”

“If it all fails, it could be an option,” Draco utters. Maybe that way, Harry won’t leave him in the end. 

“No, it’s not,” Harry says. His voice makes clear it isn’t a discussion. Draco can only imagine where Harry’s mind is, what he sees when he thinks back to the time where Draco was high all the time, and how much effort it took to stop using and to be clean. It must have been hell for Harry to see Draco like that. And the fact he stuck with Draco just shows how much the man loves him. Only Draco doesn’t think it will be enough if Harry will never get the child he wants so badly. 

Healer Burke just makes a note on the file and smiles at them. “Okay, well there isn’t anything else I can do for you. Well, maybe there is. There is this test Draco could take once a week to see when he’s most fertile. I could prescribe that, to help you both pinpoint the moments the sex will be most effective. But I must warn you. This can put a strain on your love life.”

“It’s worth a try,” Harry says. “As long as he doesn’t need to take anything, I’m open for it.” 

“Yes, we can try,” Draco says. His voice sounds hollow. It’s just going to be another reminder of how hopeless this whole situation is. But if Harry wants to try, then Draco will do it. Whatever it takes to keep Harry with him as long as possible. 

“Okay, I’ll write you the prescription. And then we will talk again in six months to see how everything is going. But I do hope you’ll have to call me sooner with good news.” 

They stand up and shake healer Burke’s hand. Harry places his arm around Draco’s waist as they leave the hospital. “It’s all going to work out, I promise,” he says. Draco wishes he could still believe that.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Teddy sits in front of the coffee table. His crayons spread out over the entire surface, a blank piece of parchment in front of him. Two finished drawings lay next to Draco on the sofa. The first one is a dragon, the one Harry had defeated when he was still in school. The second one is the one Draco wants to tear apart. Teddy had drawn a house that looks just like the one they are in now. In front of it are Harry and Draco. Harry, with a massive lightning bolt on his forehead and Draco, with white hair. Teddy is in it too, holding Draco’s hand. And that is all fine. Draco has seen many drawings that feature him and Harry. But this one is different. In the background sits a large dog. When Draco asked about it, Teddy shook his head and said it was a wolf, just like daddy. The wolf has a puppy on his back. Teddy said it was his baby brother that is now in heaven. And ever since Teddy spoke those words, Draco hasn’t been able to take his eyes off the drawing and the representation of his unborn baby. The baby Draco lost. The little brother he stole away from Teddy. 

“How long before Harry comes home?” Teddy asks. It snaps Draco out of his thoughts. He looks up and hopes he doesn’t have tears in his eyes. The last thing he wants to do is upset Teddy. 

“Not long. He said he would be back around six with dinner,” Draco says. 

“And what time is it now?” Teddy asks. 

Draco cast a Tempus to find out. “It’s ten for six,” he tells Teddy. 

Teddy bites his lip and looks at his empty parchment “Do you think I can draw grandma’s house in ten minutes?” he asks. 

“It’s a small home. You might be able to,” Draco answers. Teddy nods in conformation and picks up a bright green crayon. He starts outlining a house with his tongue stuck between his lips. Draco looks away, out of the window. The neighbour's house has a garland in front of the window. Draco spotted it this morning, just before he was supposed to go to work. He ended up staying at home. He called in sick and cried half the day away. The garland is still there now, the words a sting into Draco’s heart. It’s a girl, is all it says. And Draco knows it’s insane, but he wants to grab a rock from the garden and smash the window and destroy the garland.

The front door opens, and Teddy jumps up from the floor. “Harry is home,” he yells before he runs into the hallway. Draco startles from the words. He wipes his hand over his eyes in the hope Harry won’t notice he’s been crying again. He will try to comfort Draco, tell him their time will come. But Draco can’t stand it anymore. Harry has no reason to be nice to Draco when it comes to this. It’s Draco’s fault they lost their baby and haven’t been able to conceive again. Draco has done horrible things, worse than most in the war, and now he gets what he deserves. And that will never change. 

“I brought Chinese,” Harry says when he walks into the room, a white plastic bag in his hand, a smile on his face and an excited Teddy right behind him. Draco gets up from the sofa without returning the smile. He doesn’t say a word when he walks towards the kitchen, unsure if he can keep his composure. Harry stops him with a soft hand on his shoulder. He leans in and places a peck on Draco’s cheek. “Are you okay?” Harry asks. 

“I’m fine,” Draco snaps. “Just hungry. It’s been a long day.” 

“Okay,” Harry says. The smile on his face wavers, but he doesn’t say anything else. 

Dinner is a silent affair. Teddy looks between Draco and Harry and hardly eats any of his food. Just like Draco and Harry. Most of the food containers end up in the fridge for another day. Harry takes Teddy upstairs to get him ready for bed. Draco lets him. It’s easier that way. Draco shouldn’t be allowed to look after the boy at all. He should be in jail, locked away for life for his crimes. But no, the Saviour had given a good word for him during his trial, and Draco was let off with a year's probation at Hogwarts. And that was hardly a punishment, as it was the year he and Harry had fallen in love and Draco had started to believe that he could be happy. 

Draco closes his eyes and lets his hands rest on the counter. He can’t stop the thoughts from taking over. The hateful remarks people make, the howlers that still come sometimes, to remind him of the scum he is and that Harry deserves better. Like Draco doesn’t know this. He is the reason their saviour is unhappy, still childless, and all Harry ever wanted was to have a big family. 

“Teddy is in bed. He asks me if we are going to split up,” Harry's voice comes from the doorway. “I told him not to be silly, that sometimes adults are a bit cranky too, that nothing is wrong. And then he told me you cried this afternoon.” 

Draco shakes his head. He knows what comes now, the sweet words, the pity and worry. He hates that he does this to Harry. That he makes him worry, that he ruins his good day. 

“Is it because of the banner at the neighbours?” Harry asks. His voice closer now, just behind Draco. 

Draco nods in confirmation. Harry’s arms slide around Draco’s waist, and he rests his head on Draco’s back. “It’s okay to be sad,” Harry says.

“I’m not sad,” Draco answers. “I’m jealous. Of them, of Hermione, of Pansy.” He shakes Harry off him and storms away. 

“Draco, please don’t walk away. I get it, I feel it too. You don’t have to hide this from me,” Harry says. 

The desperation in Harry’s voice stops Draco in his tracks. “I want it so badly,” Draco chokes out. He turns and looks at Harry. “I’m a horrible person. I’ve upset Teddy, and you. This is not what you need when you come home from work. Bloody hell, I’m a mess. I’m supposed to be happy for our friends. But I’m not, Harry. I’m angry, and I hate them for having what we can’t have.” 

Harry takes Draco’s hand in his. “Don’t give up hope, Draco. Our time will come.” Harry looks up at Draco, his green eyes still filled with hope. Draco can’t take it. Harry should hate him. But the man in front of him loves him. Draco doesn’t understand. After all, Draco has done, after the massive price Harry paid for Draco’s actions. Sirius would still be here, for one. Draco is sure of it. And now Draco is the reason why Harry is going to be childless for the rest of his life. How is it that Harry can just let all that slide and still love him?

“And what if it doesn’t?” Draco asks. He closes his eyes. He can’t stand the thought of looking into the most beautiful eyes he’s ever seen when they break his heart. 

Harry’s hand cups Draco’s face. His finger strokes over the skin like it’s made of porcelain. “Then there are other options we can look into. Dean said they might adopt in the future, and Hermione showed me some leaflets about surrogates.”

“It won’t be ours then,” Draco whispers. The options don’t sound like solutions, like other things they could look into. They just show how much Draco failed Harry. 

“Draco, Teddy isn’t ours either. Doesn’t mean I don’t see him as my own. He’s our boy. I know you feel that way too. There isn’t a thing in the world you won’t do for him. And all I want is to extend our little family. I don’t care how, as long as I can do it with you” Harry says.

Tears fall from Draco’s eyes. His hand trembles in Harry’s, who squeezes it lightly. “I love you, Draco. And I hate seeing you in pain.”

“I love you too,” Draco answers. He lets his weight drop against Harry’s body, rests his head on his shoulder. Harry places his arms around Draco and hugs him. It helps a little with chasing away the demons in Draco’s head. But they won’t disappear, they keep nagging at the edge of his mind. 

“Does Draco need Teddy-bear?” Teddy asks. Draco hasn’t heard him come down and into the room. He hopes the boy hasn’t seen much of what just happened. It’s already bad enough that Draco cried in front of him this afternoon without even realising it. 

“Why aren’t you in bed?” Harry asks Teddy. 

“I wanted to say goodnight to Draco. Tell him not to be sad, that my mom and dad will look after my little brother.” 

Draco turns so he can look at Teddy. The boy is in his dragon pyjamas and holds Teddy-bear in his small hand. Draco kneels in front of him, and Teddy falls into his arms. “I love you, Draco. Don’t be sad.”

“I love you too, Teddy,” Draco tells him. “I’ll take Teddy-bear tonight. And then I’ll feel better tomorrow, I promise. Now let us get you back into bed.”

Teddy agrees and takes Draco’s hand. Together they walk back to Teddy’s bedroom where Draco tucks the boy into bed. He kisses him on the forehead before he leaves the room. Harry is right about one thing, Teddy is their boy, no matter who his birth parents are, and Draco would do anything in his power to make sure he knows he’s loved and safe.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Harry sighs as he walks out of the room. He shakes his head before he’s out of sight. Draco doesn’t blame him. It’s stupid and selfish. He knows this. But he can’t help it. There is no way he’s coming along. Still, his feet move without his consent, slowly guiding him to the hallway. Harry sits on the foot of the stairs, pulling on his sneakers. He doesn’t look up when Draco steps into the hallway. He doesn’t say a word. He made his point clear just moments ago when he gave up on Draco joining him. 

“I’m sorry,” Draco says. He doesn’t know what else to say. He knows Harry is right, that they can’t expect the entire world to put their life on hold just because theirs is. 

“Don’t start,” Harry spits out. “I don’t want to hear it anymore. You’re always sorry. But it never changes, does it? You just hide away in your head and shut everyone out, including me. When are you’re going to get it through that thick head of yours that I’m here for you, no matter what? Why do I have to prove it over and over again that I love you?”

Draco wants to tell Harry that he shouldn’t, that he’s an idiot for loving him. But instead, he just drops his head and keeps silent. Harry won’t hear him, he never has and he never will when it comes to this. 

“I’ll tell Pansy you're not feeling well. Not that she will believe me. You haven’t spoken to her in months. She’s your best friend, for Merlin’s sake. You can’t ignore her forever.” Harry gets up and grabs his jacket. 

“I just can’t, Harry. She…” Draco watches as Harry pulls his arms into his jacket, as he picks up the bag on the floor that holds a gift. Not that Draco knows what Harry got for Pansy and her new baby. Fuck he doesn’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl. 

“Did she have a boy or a girl?” Draco whispers. 

Harry looks straight at him. “A boy,” he says in a soothing tone. He steps forward and places a hand on Draco’s shoulder. 

“Okay,” Draco answers. He wants to look away from Harry’s eyes. Away from the love that shines through. Somehow this little question made Harry forget all about the fight they just had, and Draco doesn’t understand. Just like he doesn’t know why he hates Pansy so much right now. Pansy who just had a baby boy. 

“What is his name?” Draco asks. 

“Vincent,” Harry answers. Draco swallows and blinks away a tear. It has been years, but the pain of losing Vincent still stings. Just another person that lost their life because of Draco’s misguided actions. If only Draco had been a better friend. Or even better, just let the boy be. All he ever used him for were his muscles. And only when Vincent was gone for good, Draco realised he’d just tried to make Draco proud of him. That all Vincent ever wanted was to be a real friend to Draco. 

“Why don’t you go take a bath, relax and wash your hair. You’ll feel better afterwards,” Harry says. 

Draco is glad for the out. He can’t go and see Pansy and her new baby boy. She’s better off without him anyway. The only thing Draco is good for is hurting others. First by choice, and now because it’s all he’s good for. If only Harry could see that. He should leave and take Teddy with him. Draco will only be able to damage their boy. And Teddy will hate him for it in the end, Draco is sure of it. 

“I’ll be back in about an hour. I can bring home some Indian take-out. Maybe watch a movie and make it a romantic night,” Harry says. 

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Draco answers. Harry pulls him in close and hugs him. The hug lasts a little longer than usual, and when Harry moves away, he gives Draco a soft kiss on his cheek. 

When the door closes, Draco lets the tears fall. It’s a good thing his wand is still in the kitchen. He would hate to damage any of the pictures on the wall. The constant reminders of the people they lost. Harry’s parents, Teddy’s parents, Sirius and Professor Lupin. Fuck there’s even a picture of Draco’s parents. Draco didn’t want to put it up, but Harry wouldn’t hear any of his protests. ‘He was your father’ Harry would say. ‘He might have done some horrible things, but he did love you, and you love him, that makes him worthy of a place on our walls.’ Now it’s just a reminder of the man that turned Draco into someone he never wants to be again. And his mother is no better. Draco hasn’t spoken to her since the time she called him to tell him she wasn’t coming to the wedding. Only because Draco chose to follow his heart instead of the path his parents had laid out for him. Sometimes he wonders if he made a mistake. If he’d listened to her, he wouldn’t have to fear the pain it will bring when Harry finally leaves. 

Draco makes his way to the bathroom and opens the taps to fill up the bath. He takes off his clothes and slides into the warm water. For some time he just stares at the ceiling, remembering some of the times he did have fun with Vincent and Greg. When they still had been young and unaware of the wrongs they were taught. When Draco didn’t feel the pressure to live up to his father's expectations. When they would just chase the Gnomes in the garden and laugh and shout. 

But the good memories get clouded by the horrible ones. He remembers all the times he yelled at Vincent when he did something wrong in Draco’s eyes. And how he ignored his friends in sixth year because he didn’t think he could trust them, that they wouldn’t have understood that he had to do it, to save his mother. And the fire. Draco will never be able to forget the fire. Or the sight of horror on Vincent’s face when he slipped from Draco’s hand and fell into the flames. 

And now there is a young boy that will forever remind Draco of how he wasn’t able to save one of his friends. 

Why did Pansy have to name her son, the child she never wanted anyway, Vincent? Doesn’t the bitch know that it will hurt Draco even more? Draco knows he hurt her when he turned her down in fourth year, but did she have to make it her mission to torture him for it for the rest of his life?

Draco looks at his arm. The mark faded over the years to just some red lines on his pale skin. Draco remembers when Voldemort burned it into his skin, how it flared black before turning red. Aunt Bella had given Draco some pain potions before the act, said it would make things easier. It had still been painful but bearable. It was the start of the slide down. The potions had helped then. Helped him sleep, helped him forget, helped him to stop feeling anything at all. 

Maybe he could take some now? 

Draco moves his finger over the mark, follows the lines of the skull, the cause of all his misery. 

If there was only a way to stop hurting. A way to stop the thoughts in his head to spin, to prevent them from breaking him apart. If only he could forget again. 

Draco finger scratches over the skin just next to the mark. It stings a little. Draco watches as his skin turns red. His finger puts a little more pressure on his skin. The pain inside subsides a little, bleeding out of him by the physical pain. When the first drop of blood is visible, he stops. He stares at his broken skin. He can’t get himself to care that he’d scratched open his skin. But he knows he can’t let Harry see it. He’ll have to put on the sweater with the long sleeves he can pull over his hands. And then hope it will have healed enough by the time the romantic part of the evening begins. 

Not that it’s romantic anymore. The test said that Draco is fertile at the moment, so they have to. It’s an automatic act by now. The liquid turns blue; let's have sex. The liquid stays red, no sex needed tonight. Draco doesn’t feel like it at all, but he wants Harry to believe they can still have a child. So he’ll pretend and play his role. And then, tomorrow he’ll cry, when Harry is off to work, knowing it was all for nothing again.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Draco lays in bed. He knows he should have gotten up together with Harry when Teddy barged into their room, demanding to go down to unpack the presents underneath the Christmas tree. Only Draco just doesn’t have the energy to get up. The thought of the activities ahead of him this day paralyse him completely. The Weasley clan is large, filled with children and concerned looks. Draco doesn’t think he can stand it without bursting into tears or screaming at someone. 

The door to the bedroom opens. Excited footsteps make it to the bed, and Draco isn’t surprised when a soft Teddy-bear gets put down on his chest. The bed dips a little when Teddy crawls onto it and lays down next to Draco. 

“Draco, will you come down soon? I want to open my presents,” Teddy says. 

Draco picks up Teddy-bear and hugs it. Of course, Harry told Teddy they had to wait until Draco came down. He’s always big on family moments. It’s because of how he was brought up, Draco knows this. And he usually wouldn’t mind. But today he just wants to stay in bed and forget that another Christmas has passed since he lost his baby. Soon it will be a new year, and they would have been trying for almost two years. And still, Draco’s uterus stays empty and barren. 

“Can you tell me why you don’t want to get up?” Harry’s voice comes from the doorway. 

A tear escapes Draco’s eye. Why does Harry always have to be so considerate? How come he always knows when Draco is struggling? It’s been this way ever since that last year at Hogwarts. The year Draco had to fight an addiction, the hatred from his peers and the pressure of finishing seven N.E.W.T.s. It’s why he fell so hard for Harry in the first place. Only now he hates it. He needs Harry to hate him, to blame him, to push him away. Then at least Draco wouldn’t hurt him anymore by taking away his most prominent dream. 

“Don’t cry, Draco. It’s Christmas,” Teddy says. 

“I’m dreading the Christmas dinner,” Draco answers Harry’s question. It’s only half an answer, but it’s all he’s willing to let go. “They are a lot.” 

Harry sits down next to Teddy and hugs the boy. “Yeah, I know,” he says with a blessed look. Harry loves the busy and chaotic Christmas parties at the Burrow. He always has. And Draco hates himself for dreading it more each year. He usually sits through it for Harry’s sake; only this year, he can’t find the energy to do so. 

“You want to have a Christmas just for us this year?” Harry asks. 

Draco looks up at Harry and shakes his head. “No, Harry. You love Christmas dinners at the Weasleys. I won’t ask you to stay away from it.”

“You’re not asking. I’m suggesting,” Harry answers. “I know you don’t like them as much as I do, and you never complain. So I want to do this for you, give you the Christmas you love, with just the two of us watching some stupid Christmas movie on the sofa, a hot cup of gluhwein and some snacks.”

“Can I watch stupid Christmas movies too?” Teddy asks. 

“Maybe you can watch some with grandma Andromeda,” Harry says. “You’ll be going home with her after Christmas dinner.”

“Okay, can we watch a movie when I’m back here?” Teddy asks.

“Of course we can,” Harry tells him. Draco looks at the two, so in sync with each other. Just like a father and his son. Draco has to close his eyes and not think of the other son they could have had by now. 

Harry takes Draco’s hand in his. “I love you, and I think it’s what we both need this year. Just some time together,” he says, skipping over Teddy’s intrusion like it never happened. 

“I love you too.” Draco chokes on his words. He wishes it wasn’t so, that he could just get up and leave. That way, Harry wouldn’t have to choose between his family and Draco. Then Harry would be able to find someone that can give him that perfect family he deserves. 

“Can we go open presents now?” Teddy asks. 

“What do you think? You ready to get out of bed? I’ve got your coffee ready downstairs,” Harry says. 

Draco opens his eyes and sits up in the bed. He takes Harry’s head in his hands and pulls him close to kiss him.

“Ew, gross,” Teddy says. He struggles to get out of Harry’s lap and then walks towards the door. “I’m opening my presents,” he tells them. 

Harry and Draco laugh and then get up to follow Teddy down the stairs. Harry hands Draco his coffee, and they sit around the tree together. Teddy is excited about each present he opens, declaring them all ‘the best present ever’. It brings a smile back to Draco’s face. Until he remembers all this won’t last. Harry will leave him soon, taking Teddy with him and leaving Draco all alone with his pain. 

“I’ve got you something special,” Harry tells Draco when he places a small package in his hands. Draco’s hands shake when he takes off the silver paper and opens the box in front of him. Inside is a silver necklace with a beautiful stag. The eyes of the animal are diamonds. Draco caresses it with his finger. It must have cost a fortune. 

“This way I’m always with you, even when I can’t be physically next to you,” Harry tells Draco. 

“It’s beautiful,” Draco says. 

Harry takes the necklace from the box and places it around Draco’s neck. “Just remember that I will never stop loving you,” Harry says, and then he kisses Draco. It’s sweet, and Draco wants Harry to stop because he doesn’t deserve this kind of love and kindness. And at the same time he never wants it to end, never wants his heart to break in a million piece when Harry finally leaves him. 

“We’ll get through this,” Harry says. “We’ve fought so many battles together and came out stronger. We can beat this too.” 

“I just got you that book you wanted so badly. It feels like a stupid gift now,” Draco answers. He doesn’t want to think about how this battle will destroy him and Harry with it. No matter how hopeful Harry still is, it won’t last. That’s just the story of Draco’s life, and there is nothing they can do to stop it. Draco has to pay for what he did, and his debt is finally due. 

Harry picks up his presents and opens it quickly. “It’s perfect,” he says. He opens the book and starts paging through it. 

“Harry, don’t go reading it now, I need breakfast,” Teddy says. He’s playing with his new Duplo, building a castle and rescuing the dragon from the evil princess by the sounds of it. 

“Fine, I’ll go make breakfast. Strawberry pancakes with syrup?” Harry gets up and moves towards the kitchen. 

“Yes, extra syrup, please,” Teddy yells after him without taking his eyes off his Duplo. Draco sits down on the sofa and picks up the book he’s been trying to read for weeks. He’s still stuck in the first chapter. No matter how much he tries, the story can’t catch his attention. His thoughts just keep circling in his head, bringing him down and making it unable to focus on anything.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Harry walks into the kitchen to get breakfast started. He takes out the frying pan and a bowl to mix the batter. He looks back into the living room. Teddy is still on the floor playing with his new Duplo. Draco has moved to the sofa. He's got his book in front of him, but it doesn't look like he's reading. His finger scratches over his forearm again. Harry wonders if Draco is aware of it when he does it. Or if it's so familiar for him now that he doesn't notice anymore. Not like Harry, who sees it all the time. Just like how he noticed that Draco ignores his friend's messages, skips days at work and spends most of his free time in bed, no matter how hard Draco tries to hide it from him.

Harry turns away from the door and takes out his phone. Molly is going to be upset, but it's for Draco. Promising him they didn't have to go to the Weasley Christmas dinner got him out of bed. Even brought a small smile onto Draco's face. And these days, Harry will do whatever it takes to get Draco to smile.

Ron picks up on the second ring. "Hey Harry, what's up? Forgot to send your presents to the Burrow?"

"Wish it was just that, Ron," Harry answers.

"Is it Draco?" Ron asks. 

Harry swallows and plays with the whisk. "Yeah, he's…" Harry wavers, the word that just popped into his head scares him. The last time Harry saw a depressed Draco was when Draco was fighting his potion addiction. 

"So you and he aren't going to join us for dinner," Ron says. "And you need me to tell mom because you're scared shitless of what she'll say."

Harry wonders how Ron always seems to know what’s going on with Harry. It’s probably a best friend thing that Harry lacks the skills for. But it’s handy right now when Harry doesn’t have the words to explain what’s happening adequately.

"Kind of, you've met your mother," Harry says. 

"Fine, I'll tell her. And what about Teddy? He's staying at yours, isn't he?" Ron asks.

"I'll drop him off at the Burrow this afternoon. And then he can go home with his grandma afterwards," Harry says. That was the plan all along, that he would spend most of his holiday at Andromeda's. It is better that way. The boy just gets upset when Draco hardly interacts with him, which is most of the time by now. Draco just disappears inside his head, and Harry has no idea how to get him to snap out of it. 

"Bad idea, I'll pick him up from your place. Mom won't let you leave once you step into that house," Ron tells Harry.

"You would do that?" Harry asks.

"Yeah, of course. That's what best friends are for, aren't they?"

"Thanks, mate." Harry smiles softly. When all else fails, he knows he’ll always have Ron and Hermione to help him out. 

"Anytime, Harry. You just focus on what's important right now."

Harry looks towards the doorway and thinks of how Draco looked so lost this morning. "I don't know how to help him, Ron," Harry confesses. "He's sad all the time. He tries to hide it, but I can tell. I'm scared I'm losing him. Scared he might start using again."

"Fuck, Harry. Do you really think he would do that? After everything?" Ron asks.

"I don't know, Ron. It's why he started abusing them in the first place, to escape his pain and guilt." And Harry is sure that Draco is blaming himself for losing their child and not conceiving again. It’s just in his nature. Harry tells him all the time this is not on him, but the words seem to get lost before they reach Draco. 

"But he won't, Harry. You've got to believe that." Ron says with a certainty Harry wishes he’d had himself. 

Harry nods, forgetting that Ron can't see him. He wants to believe Ron, wants him to be right. But the empty look on Draco's face, his pale complexion, and the way he's distancing himself from everyone, even Harry. It's so similar to sixth year, the year Draco started to abuse potions, it scares Harry. 

"Look, just spend a quiet Christmas with him, show him you love him, and I'm sure things will start to get better soon, " Ron says.

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right, " Harry answers. "So what time will you be by to pick up Teddy?" 

"Around three, I promised mom we'll be at the Burrow around half past, and as I have to tell her you and Draco aren’t joining, I think we need to arrive a little sooner."

"Okay, I'll see you around three." Harry answers. He can’t think of how upset Molly will be and how it will ruin her table setting. He needs to focus on Draco before he loses him to another addiction. He puts down the phone and focuses on the pancakes he's about to make. Ron is right; things will get better. Draco just needs some time and love. And Harry is more than willing to give him all the love he has.


	4. Broken

Christmas was a good day in the end. Ron had picked up Teddy around three, and then Harry and Draco had watched one of Draco's favourite Christmas movies. Molly had dropped by to deliver some food, ranting about how they deserved a proper meal. Draco had let her hug him, surprising Harry in a good way. Harry had thanked Molly for the food and for understanding. He hated that he couldn’t spend the time with his entire family, but he knew it had been what Draco needed. And until now Harry had thought it had done the trick.

The days after Christmas showed a more active Draco. He started to rise from bed before noon and even agreed to go to the new year's party organised by Blaise and Ginny. Harry began to believe that perhaps Ron was right, and all Draco needed was some time to heal. But seeing him now, alone on a lounge chair, his eyes blank, ignoring everyone around him, clearly not enjoying himself, Harry isn’t so sure anymore. 

They'd arrived at the party about an hour ago. Draco had sat down in one of the chairs and hasn't moved since. Harry looks at him from his place on the sofa. Ginny sit next to him, telling him all about the house hunt and how happy she's with this place. Harry nods in agreement. Not that he's paying attention to her words. He’s sure he won’t be able to recall anything Ginny says today. 

Draco is silent. Harry thinks he hasn't spoken to anyone at all since they arrived. Blaise tried to ask him how he was doing when they had just arrived, but Draco hadn't responded. He stared at his hand, just like now. He watches as his finger scratches open his left forearm again. Harry wants to reach out and stop him from hurting himself.

"You're not listening, " Ginny says. Harry turns his attention back to her and watches as she looks past him and spots Draco. Her smile wavers as she looks at Harry. 

"Blaise is worried about him. We all are. If there's anything we can do to help, you'll let us know, won't you?" Ginny asks.

Harry looks down at his own hands. Of course Blaise is worried, Draco hasn’t answered his calls for some time now. Just like he ignores all Pansy’s attempts to restore their friendship. Harry has no idea how to get Draco to care again, or how any of their friends can help. But he still tells Ginny that he will let them know if they can. 

"I thought being around friends would help," Harry says. “But seeing him now, I'm not sure." 

Ginny smiles at him and places her hand on his leg. "It's better than to hide at home. We missed you both during Christmas. It was hard on mom. She hates it when people are absent, it reminds her of Fred and that he will never join us again."

Fuck, Harry hadn’t thought about that. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin Christmas, " Harry says. 

"I know you didn't, we all know. And you didn’t ruin Christmas. We had food, alcohol and silly games to play with the kids. It was a good Christmas. Mom just needed to cry a bit more than usual.” Ginny shrugs her shoulders like it is no big deal and takes a sip of her wine. Harry knows she does this to protect him, stop him from taking the blame for the grief Molly still feels when it comes to Fred. 

"He's not using again, is he?" Blaise asks. Harry looks up at him. He didn't notice Blaise move towards them, or even re-enter the room. 

Blaise sits down next to Ginny and takes her hand in his. It’s a small gesture, and Harry remembers the times Draco had done this to him, just hold him for no particular reason, just because he wants to. The last time was months ago. 

Blaise’s eyes stay on Draco, and Harry feels grateful knowing he's not the only one concerned about Draco's wellbeing. And it’s a legitimate question. One Harry has been asking himself for weeks now. 

"No, he's not, " Harry says. "And he won't, he's hurting but he's not stupid." Harry doesn’t know if he still believes that himself. Every time he goes to work, he’s afraid he’s going to come home to an empty house. That Draco will be gone to find a potion that will make him stop feeling a thing. Or find him high, or dead in their bed, as it looks like Draco doesn’t care at all anymore. 

"You better tell us if he is. Don't try to fix him alone." Blaise looks at Harry with a stern face. 

"I know, Blaise. And I will, I promise,” Harry snaps. Blaise is the one to talk. He left Draco to deal with it on his own the last time. Harry hasn’t forgotten that Blaise was there the first time it happened, that he’d just had sat by and done nothing while Draco was slowly killing himself. 

Blaise doesn’t react to Harry’s snappy tone. He might remember too how he failed Draco the last time around. And Harry is glad that Blaise changes the subject of their conversation. Harry only listens with half an ear. His eyes focus back on Draco. Maybe he should sit with him and stop him from scratching his arm open. Only Harry isn't sure if Draco won't snap if he does. It’s harder and harder each day to find out what is still acceptable in Draco’s eyes.

Midnight is still about two hours away, and Harry knows Draco won’t leave until after. It would be rude towards Blaise and Ginny he would say. But seeing him sitting by himself, inflicting physical pain to get through the evening, it breaks Harry’s heart. He can’t watch it any longer. He gets up and walks out of the room, to the kitchen to get himself another beer. Maybe it will be easier if he’s drunk. 

Pansy sits on one of the bar stools, a glass of wine in her hands. 

“What are you doing all alone here in the kitchen?” Harry asks her. 

“I didn’t want Draco to see me,” Pansy answers. “He looks miserable enough without me making it worse.”

Harry sits down next to her. “I’m sorry,” he says. And he is. He’s tried to get Draco to see sense. This crazy idea of his that Pansy got pregnant on purpose just to spite him is absurd. 

“Don’t be. I know you’ve tried. I’ll just have to get used to the fact that my best friend hates me and wants nothing to do with me anymore,” Pansy says matter of factly. 

“He still loves you,” Harry says. He doesn’t know if Pansy will believe him, but he knows it’s true. It’s the reason why Draco is more upset with her having a child than he was when it was Hermione. 

“Not the way I want him to,” Pansy says. She looks away, out of the dark window. Harry places his arm around her shoulders. He knows this, has known it ever since Draco told him that Pansy had the hots for him in school. Pansy might try to cover it up by saying she never wants a man, or ever wanted children. Harry hasn’t missed the longing looks she gives Draco still from time to time. 

“You still hate me, for stealing him from you?” Harry asks. 

“You didn’t steal him. You already had him before I even realised I loved him,” Pansy tells Harry. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realise that I shouldn’t take it out on you and Teddy. It wasn’t your fault that he didn’t love me. I just wish I didn’t have to lose him as a friend too before I realised that.”

“He’s still your friend, we both are,” Harry says. Pansy rests her head on Harry’s shoulder, and Harry lets her. They sit like that for some time, just staring out of the dark window, finding comfort in each other, linked forever because of the person they love. Harry doesn’t know how Pansy does it, how she’s okay with standing on the outside, never getting what she truly wants. Harry doesn’t think he could ever have just been friends with Draco. But he’s grateful that Pansy can, knowing how much she means to Draco and his happiness. 

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW, WEASEL!” Draco shouts in the other room. Harry and Pansy both jump up. Harry doesn’t waste any time to get back to Draco. The sight in front of him frightens him. Draco has his wand out, pointed at Ron. His arm shakes, and his face is red. Ron has his hands up and says he’s sorry. Blaise got his wand pointed at Draco, just like Hermione, both ready to act if Draco loses it completely. Harry moves into Draco's sight with care. He needs him to calm down before anyone gets hurt. 

“Sweetheart,” Harry says. He holds out his hands and is relieved when Draco looks at him instead of Ron. “It’s okay, I’m here,” Harry tells Draco. Tears are on Draco’s face, and blood drips from his left arm. It’s worse than Harry has ever seen before. Usually, Draco stops before the blood can start to pool. Harry should never have taken them to this party. They should have just stayed at home. Everything was fine when they were at home. Draco was doing better, was getting back on his feet. 

“I,” Draco starts. His eyes go wide. Harry hurries to reach him. Draco shudders and then the tears begin to roll. Harry takes hold of Draco and holds him close. With one swift movement, he apparates them away. He lets the darkness take them home. As soon as they land, Draco moves out of his arms and walks up the stairs. Harry follows him into their bedroom and lays down on the bed next to Draco. Only Draco turns away from him and doesn’t say a word. Harry kisses the back of his head and lets him be. Draco isn’t going to tell him what happened. Harry gets up and walks out of the room. He pulls his phone from his pocket and dials Hermione’s number. 

“What happened?” Harry asks as soon as Hermione picks up. 

“Harry, is Draco okay?” Hermione asks. 

“No, he’s fucking not, Hermione. Now what the hell happened?” Harry snaps. 

“He was bleeding, Harry. And he still wouldn’t stop scratching. Ron was just trying to help. I think he said something in the line that all will be okay and Draco just snapped.” 

Harry sits down on the top of the stairs. He was a fool, thinking that some company would cheer Draco up. He should have taken him home when it was clear Draco wasn’t feeling well. Why did he stay and let Draco suffer? Just because he wanted to spend new years with his friends. Isn’t Draco supposed to come first? It’s just a stupid clock ticking down to midnight, just like it does every night. They could have just ignored it. So why did Harry insisted that they go to the stupid party? It clearly wasn’t helping Draco get any better. 

“I don’t know what to do, Hermione,” Harry confesses. “How do I help him when he doesn’t let me?”

“Oh, Harry, I don’t know. I think he needs help, as in professional help. I don’t think you, or any of us can help him now,” Hermione says. 

Harry knows that Hermione is right, as she usually is. But if she is then all hope is lost, isn’t it? There is one thing Draco never believed in, and that is that talking to some stranger about his issues will help him. He will never agree to anything like that. “I don’t think he wants any help, Hermione.”

The line stays quiet. Harry stares at his feet in front of him. His vision blurs as tears start to flow. “I don’t want to lose him,” Harry says. And he will if he forces Draco to get help. Draco will shut him out entirely, and then all hope is gone. He’ll start using again, and Harry will find him dead in their bed one day. 

“You won’t, Harry. But you have to be firm. You have to tell him to get help. You know just as well as us that this can’t continue. It’s not healthy, Harry,” Hermione tells him. 

“No, I can’t force him. He just needs some more time. All will be fine. He just needs some time.” Harry tries to convince himself as much as he wants to make it clear to Hermione that all will be fine. 

With that, Harry ends the call. He walks back into the bedroom and crawls into bed with Draco. He tells Draco he loves him and puts his arms around him. They don’t say another word, and they don’t wish each other a happy new year when the fireworks start to light up the room. It’s so different from last year it frightens Harry. All he can do is hope that this year will be better than the previous.

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


"The test is positive, " Draco says as he walks back into the bedroom. Harry hums without looking up and resumes to read his book. It’s not the reaction Draco hoped for. It’s the reaction he’d expected. Harry hasn’t initiated anything intimate in a while. It’s like he doesn’t care anymore if Draco falls pregnant or not. Maybe he already found another person that might be easier, one who can give Harry the family he so badly wants. Only the thought of losing Harry, having to face this world alone again, Draco doesn’t know if he can do it. So it will be up to him to make sure they at least try. Maybe, as long as Harry believes it’s still possible he won’t leave. So Draco takes off his t-shirt and pants and lays down on the bed next to Harry.

"You want to right now?" Harry asks as he looks up from his book. 

"Yes," Draco answers. It’s a lie, Draco doesn’t want to, he has to. It's the only way he can keep up the reuse he might fall pregnant, so Draco sucks it up and just goes through the motions. It’s not that hard, present your hole, let Harry fuck into it and then cry yourself to sleep after once Harry is out cold. 

Harry puts his book down and strokes his hand over Draco's back. He leans over and places a kiss on Draco's neck, just below his hairline. Draco used to love it when Harry would do that before sex became a necessary evil. Now it’s just a reminder of how big a failure Draco has become. He doesn’t want this to last. He just wants Harry to dump his sperm inside him. What does it matter if Draco enjoys it or not? 

"Just get on with it," Draco tells Harry. Harry lifts his head and looks at Draco. He's annoyed. Draco tries to find a reason why he should be worried about this, but he can’t.

"Fuck it, Draco. I'm just trying to get in the mood," Harry snaps. He turns away from Draco and stares at the ceiling. Draco signs and puts his hand on Harry’s chest. 

"I’m sorry, I'm just tired," Draco says. It’s a lie, but it seems to work. Harry turns back towards Draco and gives him a sweet kiss. Draco shuts his eyes when Harry’s soft kisses travel over his back and down to his hole. Harry's hand's massage Draco's buttocks. Draco remembers the times this used to turn him on, how wonderful it was to be worshipped by Harry. Now he hates every second of it. It all feels so useless. Draco knows it's never going to work, he's never going to get pregnant again. But still, he can't stop initiating it. He needs to keep trying. It's the only way to keep Harry by his side. 

When Harry slides into Draco, Draco hides his face in his pillow. His eyes betray him as tears start to fall. He struggles to relax, and it hurts, more than the times before. 

"Let me look at you," Harry says.

Draco shakes his head. He can't show Harry his pain. He'll stop, and that can't happen. 

"Draco, please look at me," Harry says again. His hand is on the side of Draco's face. His movements have halted. Draco hopes Harry can’t feel the moisture on his cheeks. 

"Just keep going," he stammers. He’ll be fine. He just needs Harry to think they are still on track to get a baby one day. It’s the only thing that matters. Who cares that Draco is in pain? Draco doesn’t. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to stop Harry from leaving. 

Only Harry doesn't comply. He slides out of Draco and lays down next to him. His hand strokes Draco's back again, only not like before when he was admiring Draco's body. Now it's a gentle stroke, filled with compassion and love. A stroke that Draco doesn’t deserve. 

"I can't do it like this, Draco," Harry says. He places a kiss on Draco's shoulder. "Not when you shut yourself off and just let it happen to you. Fuck, it feels like I'm raping you."

"Please," is all Draco lets out before his tears overtake him. He can’t stop them no matter how hard he tries.

"It's okay, sweetheart, " Harry tells him. Draco gets pulled against Harry's chest and is enfolded in his arms. He cries against the naked flesh in front of him. Everything is falling apart. Harry should take him now. He's fertile and ready. What does it matter that Draco isn't into it? They need to do this, need to make it work somehow. Draco needs Harry to believe that his dreams can still come true. Draco needs Harry to stay with him. It’s the only thing that keeps him sane and away from the pain potions that stand in the back of the cabinet in the general bathroom. Without Harry, he won’t be able to stop himself from taking them to make the pain inside his heart float away. 

"Maybe we should stop with the tests, " Harry says after some time. Draco doesn’t want to hear this. He doesn’t want to know that Harry is giving up. 

"But how will we know when " Draco starts.

"We won't, that's the whole point. It's destroying us, trying so hard. I want to have sex with you because we both want to, because we love each other. Not because we have to." Harry sounds so sure, so confident. Draco wants to say yes, he wants to find his way back to the time where they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. But that time is gone, and he knows it will never come back. Not until Draco can give Harry what he wants, what he needs. A child of his own. 

"I don't know if I can do that, " Draco says.

“It will help,” Harry says. “We’ve tried it with the tests. It doesn’t do anything except take away the joy we find in each other. I want to make love to you again, Draco. I want you to enjoy our time together. I miss watching you come apart from my touch. Man, I miss you. I truly miss you.” 

Draco looks up to see Harry’s face. His eyes are closed and he bites onto his bottom lip. He looks so vulnerable and hurt. Draco knows this is truly the start of the end. He’d hoped it would take longer. He thought he would have more time with Harry. But he should start facing the truth. This will end soon, Harry will leave, and Draco will just have to find a way to deal with it. Maybe he should look up his dealer, see if he can still supply Draco with the potions he needs to get by once Harry says his final goodbye. 

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Harry parks his bike in the shed and moves back into the garden. The one tree they have is leafless and cold, just like the last two months. Harry can't wait for spring to begin, watch the first flowers spring from the ground and sit outside to enjoy the late sunshine. A glass of wine and a good book in his hands. Draco close by with his papers and his quill stuck behind his ear, trying to make sense of the mess his clients present him with. A monitor spell hovering close to keep an eye on the sleeping Teddy. 

It's dark by now. Harry had to stay late at the school to have an unpleasant conversation with some parents that think their child is an angel. Harry sometimes wishes he could use a Pensieve to show them what a brat their kid is. 

There are no lights on in the house. Harry closes his eyes for a second before he opens the back door. He steps into the kitchen and turns on the lights. His dirty coffee cup from that morning still stands in the sink, accompanied by his plate. There are no other dishes or any sign that someone else lives in this house. 

"Please, tell me you didn't stay in bed again all day, " Harry says to the empty air. He doesn't know how much more he can handle. He misses the late nights in front of the fireplace, with wine and good food. The nights they would make love. Draco's laughter and dry humour. And most off all, he misses Teddy. His presence in their life, he silly questions and thoughtful gestures. The way Draco lights up when he’s around. Teddy hasn’t been back since Christmas. Harry doesn’t want him to see Draco like this; he won’t understand and only get upset because of it. 

Harry takes some food from the fridge and places it in the oven to heat up. Then he pulls off his shoes and climbs the stairs. He turns on the lights in their bedroom. Draco lays under the covers, with his back turned to Harry.

"I'm home," Harry says. "I'm warming up some food. I'd like it if you could join me for dinner."

Draco doesn't answer. Harry sighs and walks into the bathroom. He turns on the light and looks into the room. He doesn’t move as he stares at the bottles on the floor. Harry didn’t think they had any left in the house. He would have gotten rid of them otherwise. He closes his eyes and then turns rapidly. He’s at the edge of the bed in seconds. 

"Please tell me you didn't, " he says as he kneels. He pulls the duvet from Draco's face. Draco's eyes are closed, and Harry grabs his shoulders. 

"Wake up, Draco. Please, wake up." Harry shakes Draco's shoulder. His eyes start to water, and his heart thumps in his chest. Please let him wake up. He can't lose him, not like this. 

Draco's eyes open and Harry takes his face in his hands before he can turn away. 

"Tell me you didn't, " Harry says.

Draco looks confused, unaware of the terror raising inside Harry. He blinks but doesn’t say a word. Harry wants to slap him, wants to hurt him for doing this to them. He said he would never take them again. 

"The potions, please, Draco, did you take them?" Harry’s voice cracks, and he knows he has tears in his eyes by now. He should have seen this coming. He should have dragged Draco to get help, should have listened to Blaise and let them help him. He should have made sure Draco didn’t feel like he had to fall back into oblivion again. Hermione was right that it was wrong to ignore it, to just let it happen, to let it destroy both of them in the process. 

Some recognition shows on Draco's face. He shakes his head. Harry let's go of him and lets his head fall into his own hands. He cries, his body shakes from the relief. Maybe he can still save Draco and by doing so also save himself. 

“The bottles,” Harry stammers. He waves his hand towards the bathroom. He needs to know where Draco got them from. He will hunt the person down and murder them. 

“Leftover from Teddy’s fall,” Draco answers. His voice sounds so hollow, as if it doesn’t matter. It sounds like the Draco from sixth year when he was high all the time and didn’t care what happened next. Harry lifts his head and looks at the man in front of him. His eyes stare past Harry, into the distance. 

“Did you take them?” Harry asks again. He needs Draco to say it. It’s the only way he will believe him. 

“No,” Draco says without looking at Harry. 

“I can’t go back there, Draco,” Harry says. “I can’t watch you destroy yourself. I don’t think I’ll survive.” 

Draco doesn’t respond. Harry wishes he would react, wishes he would do something other than lay in bed and do nothing. Hermione was right. She’s always right. Harry hates her for it right now. She said that if Harry would keep ignoring it that he would break himself. And he knows he’s close. Maybe he should listen to her and stay with them for a while, take the pressure off and hope that it will spur Draco into action. 

“I love you, but I don’t know how long I can keep doing this,” Harry continues. He pushes some of Draco’s hair out of his face. “I want my husband back.” 

Draco still doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even look at Harry. Harry stands up and moves towards the door. Tears still drip down his cheeks. He balls his fist as the need to punch something raises inside him. He slams his hand against the wall. It hurts, but Harry doesn’t care. He turns and looks back at the silent man in his bed. 

“You need help,” Harry says. “I know you don’t want to. I know you think it will do nothing. But I need you to get help. I need you to be yourself again. I can’t stand seeing you like this. I fucking love you, Draco. I will always love you. But I won’t let you destroy us both. If you’re dead set on wasting away, I’m going to need to leave. You’ll make me break my promise. But I need to take care of myself. I can’t crash again. Teddy needs at least one of us. He wants to come home again. Andromeda struggles more and more each day when she picks him up from school. He wants to come home. He said he wants to spend time with his dads. He calls us his dads, Draco. So if you can’t do this for me, please do it for him. He misses you. And he’s angry. Andromeda said he’d put Teddy-bear in the bin because he didn’t make you happy again. Fuck, I don’t even know why I tell you this. It’s not like you care. Just like you didn’t care that your boss fired you two weeks ago. You used to love that job, and you just let it slip out of your fingers by not showing up anymore. It’s not healthy, Draco. Fuck, do even register anymore what’s happing around you? Have you even noticed that Teddy hasn’t been here since Christmas? Don’t you miss him? Don’t you miss us?”

Harry stands in front of the bed. Draco doesn’t move. His eyes stay unfocused. Harry still isn’t sure if Draco tells the truth about the potions. He hates that he doubts Draco, but he’s unresponsive and doesn’t seem to care at all that Harry slowly breaks down in front of him. 

“Are you even listening to me?” Harry yells. “Bloody hell, Draco. We don’t have to have a baby. I don’t want it. Not like this. I know I always said I wanted a family, children of our own. But not like this, not if it means I lose you in the process. You are my world, and I love you. I will always love you, no matter what.” As soon as Harry says it, he knows it’s true. It’s not like he suddenly doesn’t want to have children anymore, but he knows for sure he can give them up if it means he gets Draco back.

Harry closes his eyes and tries to stop the tremors in his arms. He wants to hit something again. Fuck, he wants to slam his fist against Draco, just to get a reaction out of the man. But he knows it won’t. It seems like nothing gets through to him anymore. 

“I’m going to have some dinner. And if you don’t join me,” Harry wavers. He doesn’t want to do this, he doesn’t want this to end, but Hermione is usually right, and it might work. And Harry can’t stand around anymore and watch Draco destroy himself. “If you don’t join me, I’m packing my bag to stay at Ron and Hermione's. You can go and destroy yourself all alone. Just know that when you do, you destroy me along with you.”

  
  


-x-x-x-x-x-

  
  


Harry walks out of the room without closing the door. Draco can hear him walk down the stairs. Hear him move around in the kitchen. He will eat, and then he will leave. Draco always knew it was coming, this moment when all would end. It was just a matter of time. In the end, everyone leaves Draco. 

Draco stares at his arm. He follows the lines of his mark with his finger. The skin right next to it is red and swollen. Harry will leave today. Draco shouldn’t have flushed the potions down the drain. Now he will have nothing to take once Harry is gone. 

A tear escapes Draco eye. Harry is going to leave him. It will be over, and Draco will be left alone and broken. Beyond repair. It never ends. Everyone always leaves, no matter what Draco does to try to keep them close. 

He should get up. Get out of their bed and join Harry for the meal he’d made. But his body won’t move. His arms are heavy, and his legs are numb. And his head just keeps spinning. Grandma had left by dying when Draco was only five. She’d promised to see him off to Hogwarts one day. Father pushed Draco away when he found out he was gay and then turned to the Dark Lord to finish his work. Mother hasn’t returned any of Draco’s calls in the last two years. She said she would always love Draco, but that was a lie. Pansy said she would always have Draco’s back, only to hurt and betray him. And now Harry is going to leave, the words he’d spoken at their wedding forgotten and pointless. No matter what Draco does, it’s never enough to keep the people he loves by his side. 

After some time, Harry walks back into the room. He doesn’t say a word when he grabs a duffel bag and starts to push some of his clothes inside it. Draco can hear him sniff and he knows Harry’s cried. Draco doesn’t want Harry to leave. He wants him to stay. Draco loves him and will give him whatever he wants, if only he could. But now he needs to let him go, give him the freedom he deserves. Harry should be happy, not locked in a fruitless marriage that will only destroy him. 

Harry walks into the bathroom and moments later glass shatters. Heavy sobs travel into the room, and Draco doesn’t understand. Why is Harry so heartbroken about leaving? He’s been pulling away for months, distancing himself from Draco, looking for another person that will be able to give him the child he wants. But Harry said he didn’t want a child without Draco, didn’t he? Then why did he stop wanting to have sex? Why is he packing his things now? 

Draco looks at Harry when he steps back into the room. His face is puffy, and his eyes are red-rimmed. Harry looks at Draco as he bites onto his lip. He blinks and then moves to his side of the bed. Draco closes his eyes. Why did Harry say he had to leave? Draco tries to remember Harry’s words. He went on and on about that he couldn’t watch Draco destroy himself, that it would destroy him too. But how? Won’t it set Harry free to move on, to find that person that will be able to give him the family he deserves? 

Draco should have left himself. The moment he knew that he would only hurt Harry, Draco should have gone and spared Harry the pain he is in now. 

“I’m sorry,” Draco whispers. 

Harry freezes in his track to the door. He looks towards the bed with a trembling lip. He doesn’t say anything, and Draco knows it’s too late. Nothing he says now will change Harry’s mind, and that is for the best. They are over and done. Only Draco can’t let him leave without him knowing that he’s sorry for all he’s done. For hurting the one person he loves more than anything else in this world. 

“I’m sorry,” Draco says again. A bit louder now and with more confidence. He’s genuinely sorry. “For all of it, the baby. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep him safe. I’m sorry I’ve destroyed our chance to be happy. You’ll be better off without me. You and Teddy both.”

“I won’t. And neither will Teddy,” Harry says.

“You will. Now you can find someone who can give you the family you always wanted.”

“Fuck you, Draco. I don’t want anyone else,” Harry yells. “How many times do I have to tell you? You are my family, you and Teddy. It’s the only family I want. I’m not going to find anyone else because no one can take your place.” 

“But I killed our baby, your baby,” Draco stutters.

Harry drops his bag and shakes his head. “You didn’t. The miscarriage wasn’t your fault. I never blamed you for it, nobody did.”

“Then why are you leaving me alone? What other reason is there to let me go if it’s not because you hate me?” Draco shivers. He’s thought it a million times and saying it out loud makes it even more real. Harry must hate him. There is no other way this can end. 

“I’m leaving because I don’t know what else to do! You just lay in bed all day. You don’t talk. You don’t eat. No matter what I say or do, it just doesn’t change anything. I can’t help you. No matter how much I want to be able to help you, I’m only making it worse. And Hermione said it might help, getting away from you for a bit. Because I’m losing it and I can’t. I have Teddy to think off. He can’t lose both of us.” 

Harry sinks to the floor, and Draco just stares at him while he cries. “I want to stay but I can’t, not if you won’t get help and try to beat this demon that has taken over our life,” Harry sobs. “I can’t watch you fade away. It hurts too much. I love you so much, but I can’t help you. I can’t do this on my own. I’ve tried, but I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t.”

Harry is leaving because he loves Draco. Because Draco has shut him out, pushed him away instead of letting him help. He pushed everyone away. Blaise and Greg, who have been trying to get in touch with him for months. He destroyed his friendship with Pansy, let her down when she needed him. Draco has let it all fall apart, only because he couldn’t see. They love him and don’t want to leave. It’s just that Draco gives them no other choice. 

Draco closes his eyes and bites away the sobs that threaten to leave him. “I’m sorry,” he stutters again. “I’m sorry for pushing you out, for believing you don’t want me if I can’t give you any children. For believing you would leave me because of everything I’ve done. For thinking I have to give you children to make you stay. I’m sorry for all of it. The miscarriage, all the times I hurt you, for following my father and fighting on the wrong side of the war. For almost killing Ron, for being one of the reasons why Sirius is dead, why Teddy has to grow up without his parents. For not holding on to Vincent’s hand. For the potions, now and back then. I wanted to take them today. I wanted it all to stop. I want the pain to stop. It won’t stop, Harry. Please make it stop.”

Draco shudders when the bed dips and two strong arms fold around him and pull him into a hug. 

“Please don’t leave me,” Draco stutters. “Please make it stop. Make it all stop. I just want it all to be over. I want to die.”

Harry shivers and Draco is scared of what is going to happen next. Of the inevitable goodbye that will follow. Only Harry doesn’t loosen his hold on Draco, he even pulls him closer and places a kiss on the top of Draco’s head. 

“And I want you to live,” Harry says. “I need you to live, so I can keep breathing. Please Draco, try to live again.” 

“I don’t know how,” Draco confesses. 

“I know, sweetheart. I know. It’s all going to be okay. I promise. But I can’t help you. It’s too much for me. You need someone who’s trained for this. You need professional help. And I promise it will work. It helped me to cope with the pain, the losses. It thought me that it wasn’t all my fault, just like all the things you just said weren’t your fault. You didn’t kill any of those people. You never wanted to get addicted, and you didn’t take the potions now. You need to learn that it’s not your fault, none of it is your fault. The only thing you did was try to survive, to keep your mother safe. And you saved me, during the war and after. I know you don’t see it that way, but I don’t think I could have healed the way I did if I hadn’t had you with me every step of the way.”

“If I go see a mind healer, will you stay. Will you stay with me?” Draco asks. 

“Yes, Draco, yes. If you promise to try to get better, I’ll stay. For the rest of our lives. It’s all I want.” 

“Even if that means never having children of our own?” Draco asks. He doesn’t want to ask it. He already knows the answer. This will make Harry leave. He will see that he’s better off without Draco, that he doesn’t need Draco to breathe. 

“Even if that means never having children of our own,” Harry says. 

“Don’t,” Draco says. “Don’t lie to me. You need to go. You need to find a man that can give you your family. I’m not worth giving up your dream.”

Harry takes Draco’s head in his hands and forces Draco to look at his bloodshot eyes. Harry places a gentle kiss on Draco’s lips. “You are my dream,” he says. “I’m not lying. I don’t want any children if it isn’t with you. I love you, and I know you are worth everything.” 

“I’m sorry,” Draco repeats.

“I know, sweetheart. And it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. I promise. We’ll fight our way back to the top, together,” Harry says. Draco wants to believe him so badly. But he can’t see it. He can’t believe the words that Harry says. How can it all be okay? He’s responsible for so much pain. How can Harry forgive him for all he’s done? 

“Why?” Draco asks. He just doesn’t understand. 

“Because I love you. For all the good you do. For how you take care of Teddy. For the strength with which you overcame a potion addiction. For how loyal you are to your family. For the effort you took to earn the trust of Hermione and Ron, how you worked hard on getting to know them because you know they are important to me. I love you because you let me cry and scream at you when I was healing. I love you for helping me figure out what I want to do with my life, for showing me that I didn’t have to keep protecting the world, that I could be just me. And I want to do the same for you. I want you to know that I want you to be just you, and that it is enough to be just you.”

“This is me,” Draco says. He needs Harry to know that this is a part of Draco that will never entirely leave him. He’s in pain and wants to hide. Even if he gets help and finds a way to battle his demons. But he will try, he will go to a mind healer and try not to push everyone away. 

“I know, and that’s okay,” Harry says. “And I’m sorry, for letting it get this far. I was scared to lose you if I forced you to get help. I thought if I just pretended everything was fine, it somehow would be fine again. I should have tried to help you more, and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. You didn’t do this. I did. I almost destroyed us, like I destroy everything. Harry, I destroy everything.” Draco sobs. 

Harry pulls him against his chest again. “You don’t. You saved me. You didn’t destroy me. You make my life complete, and the only way you can destroy it is by leaving me.”

“I pushed Pansy away, Blaise and Greg. If it hadn’t been for me, they would have never been on the wrong side of the war.” 

“You didn’t push them away,” Harry says. “They’re still here. Pansy loves you, and she wants nothing more than for you to get better so she can show off her boy to you. And Blaise is worried about you. He calls every day to make sure you haven’t started using again.”

“I couldn’t hold on to him. He slipped out of my hands, Harry. Greg should hate me. I should have held on longer,” Draco starts. “I killed Vincent. I was supposed to be his friend, and I killed him. Just as I killed our baby.” 

“You didn’t, fuck Draco. You did not kill Vincent. And you did not kill our baby. We lost our baby, and I know it hurts. It hurts me too. But you need to start listening to the healers and me. You did nothing that caused us to lose our baby.”

“Harry, I want to,” Draco chokes out. “I want to believe you, but I can’t. I need help, Harry. I can’t do this alone. Please don’t make me do this alone.” 

“You’re not alone, sweetheart. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. We’ll get you help, and all will get better, I promise.” Harry places another kiss on top of Draco’s head and whispers sweet words into Draco’s hair. 

Draco let the words and gestures comfort him. He still doesn’t believe he’s worth saving. He still thinks he doesn’t deserve Harry’s love. But he will try, he will see a mind healer, and he will give up on the idea that he needs to get pregnant to keep Harry. It’s not what keeps him with Draco. Harry stays for the same reason why Draco could never leave. Because he loves Harry, no matter what. And somehow, Draco will find a way to get back on his feet, now that he knows that Harry will always stay with him.


	5. Epilogue

“We’re telling them today, right?” Teddy asks. He strides next to Harry, their hands linked. Draco walks just behind them. He’s quiet. He still feels guilty for what happened last year, how he made Harry stay home with him. Harry told him again this morning that he wouldn’t have wanted to spend Christmas last year in any other way. So Draco tries to remind himself of that too and forget about it. It’s one of the things he learnt in therapy, don’t make a problem out of something that isn’t a problem, and don’t blame yourself for things that are out of your control. Draco can’t change what happened last year, the only thing he can do is make sure this Christmas is one they all enjoy. 

Charlie opens the door when they reach it. Teddy asks about the dragons in Romania and throws his jacket and scarf towards Harry so he can follow Charlie into the living room to hear the story of how Charlie has gotten his latest scar. The friendly noise of people flows into the hallway from the living room. Harry shakes his head with a smile on his face while he places Teddy’s jacket on the pile of coats already in the hallway. 

“I’m going to see if Molly made her famous lemonade,” Draco says. 

Harry turns towards him and places a kiss on Draco’s cheek. “You go do that, while I go find out what kind of beer Bill has brought for us this year.” Then he’s off after Teddy, into the den filled with Weasleys. Draco is glad he can put it off for a little longer and walks into the kitchen. Molly is busy at the stove, preparing the final parts of their dinner. Pansy sits at the table with Vincent on her lap. The boy reaches out for Draco even before he can say hello. 

“Hey little monster,” Draco says as he takes the boy from his mother and holds him close. “Have you missed me?” he asks. Vincent nods and then rest his head against Draco’s shoulder and almost falls asleep instantly.

“The little traitor. Not wanting to sleep all night and as soon as you pick him up, he’s gone. Next time he won’t sleep I’m calling you to come to babysit so I can sleep,” Pansy says. 

Draco is glad they are back on speaking terms. Apologising to her was the hardest thing Draco had to do when he was crawling out of his depression. He was sure he’d lost his best friend, only to discover that she hardly blamed him for anything. Draco was only in the house for five minutes before Pansy told him she wanted him to be the godfather of her little boy. And of course, Draco had accepted. 

“Ah, Draco dear, good to see you,” Molly says. “I don’t have any wine for you here. I believe Ginny took all the good stuff with her to the living room.”

“Oh, that’s okay, Molly. I was wondering if you had made any lemonade. I would love two glasses if so,” Draco says. 

“Why are you drinking lemonade, Draco?” Pansy asks. 

“Because Molly’s lemonade is the best there is,” Draco tells her. 

“Well, thank you, Draco. I’m glad someone over the age of ten appreciates my lemonade,” Molly says. She smiles at him, and her eyes sparkle. “And I’m happy for you and Harry.”

Draco can't help but grin back at her. He’s happy too. Who would have thought it would happen when they aren’t even trying, when they started looking into other ways to expand their little family. 

“Oh my god, you’re pregnant,” Pansy says. 

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Draco says. “All I can say is that during dinner, Teddy wants to make an important announcement, and until then, both of you know nothing.”

Pansy gets up to hug Draco and congratulates him, and that is the last they say about it until the entire family has taken its place at the dining table. Before Molly can tell everyone to dig in, Teddy climbs on top of his chair so that everyone can see him. 

“If I can have everyone's attention,” Teddy says. “I have some important news to tell you all.”

“Teddy, get down, I’m sure it can wait till after dinner. I’m hungry,” George shouts from the other side of the table. 

Harry waves his hand, and some tape magically appears over George’s mouth. Rose and Victoire giggle as George looks at Harry, horrified. 

“Don’t interrupt my boy,” Harry says. “You can eat once he’s told us his news.” 

“Thank you, Dad,” Teddy says. He clears his throat and looks down at Draco. Draco nods at him and then Teddy looks around the table. 

“Today I can tell you all that when I’m six, I will get a very important job, the most important job in the world. Because I’m going to be a big brother,” Teddy declares. The table erupts in cheers and congratulations towards Draco and Harry. Harry places his hand on Draco’s stomach. A thing he’s been wanting to do all afternoon, but he didn’t want to steal Teddy’s big moment. Their boy had been so proud when they told him Draco was pregnant again. And now that the first scan was all good and Draco has heard the heartbeat of the little one growing inside him, he can’t help but be excited too. 

“Well, as we are all big on making announcements today, I think I should make one too,” Ron says. Hermione shakes her head and laughs. It’s like the dinner they had with the four of them about a month ago when they had big news to share. Draco hadn’t been sure if it was a good idea to tell someone that soon, but Harry had wanted to make sure he’d had a back-up for when things would go wrong. People that will understand with just one word that they will need help. But it had turned out that Harry and Draco weren’t the only once with big news to share that night. 

“Rose will also get a promotion next year,” Ron continues. “As she will become a big sister.” 

“Cool,” Teddy says as Molly jumps out of her chair to hug Hermione and then Ron. 

“You hug Hermione and Ron, but you didn’t even hug Draco,” Bill says. “I thought he was your child now too.”

“Oh shut up, Bill. I’ve already hugged Draco when I helped him make his lemonade look like wine so all of you won’t get suspicious before Teddy could make his announcement,” Molly says. 

And then everyone digs into all the food on the table and conversations starts up around them. Harry leans in and kisses Draco on his cheek. “Are you okay?” he asks. 

“I’m good,” Draco tells him. “But I do think you need to free George before he comes over to kill you. I need you to stick around for a long time since we’re getting another brat to raise.”

Harry waves his hand to free George. “Don’t worry, I’m sticking around,” Harry says, his other hand still firmly planted on Draco’s stomach. “I don’t want to miss a single moment of our little miracle.”

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to leave some love for the creator if you can! Come reblog this work and view others from this fest [HERE](https://hd-hurtfest.tumblr.com/) on the H/D Hurt!Fest tumblr page!


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